Why The Weekends Are The Worst (Sometimes)

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By Kirsty

The weather is beautiful, I was up in good spirits, was productive-ish, and now I feel… kind of nothing, actually. I suppose you’d call it numb. It’s quite a peaceful state to be in. I’m enjoying the beautiful weather… only I’m enjoying it from inside the living room. On the sofa. Lying down peacefully. Not exhausted. Not feeling crippled by negative feeling. Just there.

I don’t want to do anything other than lie here. All the windows are open, so I get to feel the warm, fresh spring breeze and listen to the outside. I can hear birds and lawnmowers, the road and aeroplanes and the children in the garden, and breathe in the faint scent of the grass.

Shut down on the inside

I’m content like this. Actually, no. I’m more passive. I say this because an absence of negativity doesn’t mean a presence of positivity, and contentment is a positive emotion. Warm. Satisfying. Fulfilled. I don’t really feel any of these so yes, passive is a more accurate word.

I’m neutral. I like being on the sofa like this but I’m not really feeling anything. I’m shut down on the inside. Removed. Why is this? I’ve no idea. There was what felt like a lot of pressure from S this morning to make plans for the children. In particular, to invite people over. I was resistant – I just didn’t want to.

‘I don’t want to be worried about other people all the time, I want a break’, I said, before correcting myself to the far more accurate, ‘Sorry, “worried” is the wrong word. I’d rather not be conscious of other people today. I’d like a break from it.’

The presence of others

Sometimes, I simply need a break from the presence of others, being aware of them, and making accommodations. I can never be fully relaxed and fully myself around another person. None of us are, really. We always – no matter how comfortable we are with a person – make very subtle adjustments to ourselves when in the presence of another. Our words and behaviours. We’re barely conscious we’re doing it, if we’re conscious of it at all, and sometimes I feel I need a break from it.

And let’s not forget the other evening, where I felt positively claustrophobic by the stay of just one house guest. Then came the pressure to go somewhere. Then the demand to spend time in the garden, which I did, and was ok there for a while, before deciding I’d had enough and coming in to the sofa.

That’s about the time I realised that was in fact what I really wanted to do. The time I realised how distant I felt from everything. The time I realised that in spite of this I actually felt kind of ok. Fine, even. Except I wasn’t. I was shut down on the inside. I had no idea why. But I was feeling peaceful. It probably should have bothered me but nope, it didn’t, not really. I struggled to feel anything so acute as ‘bother’.

It passed, mostly. I got up after a while and was happy to do so. Felt less removed and more lively. But it’s difficult to reconnect with others when for most of the day you’ve been disconnected; they themselves don’t really know how to respond. Well, the children do. They’re more responsive, in-the-moment, take-you-as-you-are type creatures, so the minute I reengage they engage back, eagerly. Well, in my youngest’s case. Eldest is bordering on teenagehood and is happy to keep to himself and get on with his things, by virtue of being an almost-teenager.

Pressures and demands

The truth is, I’m simply not thriving at home, as much as the familiarity brings comfort. Weekends are often the worst. There’s a pressure to make the most of them, to do something. Especially when you have children and are being hounded by a spouse eager for us to do something with said children ( I appreciate it’s a ‘good’ problem to have).

And especially in the age of social media, you can see everything everyone else did over the weekend, and see exactly where you’re failing at parenthood and at life! Spend time with friends, family, take a mini break, do wholesome activities with the kids, take them for a day out, make sure they do their homework, have brunch, Sunday lunch, coffee, cocktails, breakfast in bed, make sure the kids attend their respective drama/dance/football/piano lessons (what do you mean, they don’t have any extra curricular weekend activities?!?!?), work on that Pinterest project, party, get wasted, go wild! Do home improvements. DIY. But also relax. Relax in the right way. If you’re not relaxing in an Instagram-able way, are you even relaxing???

Don’t get me wrong, I’d simply love to achieve all of it. But it requires planning, organising, energy, motivation, decision-making… much of what those with depression struggle with.

On the plus side, and this I really do appreciate, for two days I’m not governed by the clock. Hooray!!

Much Love

Kirsty

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on whatkirstydid.blog