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0 By Arun Dahiya
I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), resulting from trauma. The most scary symptoms of both the disorders, that I get once in a while, are dissociation and micropsychotic episodes.
What is dissociation?
Most people may not know what dissociation is. It is the feeling that your mind and body float away from the present. Trauma survivors often have gone through this. It is your mind’s defence mechanism when it feels that the present is scary or experiences the trauma again as flashbacks. So it floats away to the safe place in order to avoid the feelings.
When dissociated, I often feel that I am not in my body and that I am outside watching it. Whatever is happening, I am watching from a far away place, totally numb to the feelings. During dissociation I feel numb towards all emotions. It is like losing the sense of reality for some time, no matter how much I want to get over that feeling of being distant from my own body and mind. It is like splitting into different persons: one that is experiencing it and the other that is only observing it. And both parts of your personality are unaware of each other.
What are micropsychotic episodes?
Another common symptom I experience, when under high stress or experiencing the C-PTSD or BPD symptoms intensely, is micropsychotic episodes. I generally get auditory hallucinations during that time. It’s like two people are arguing harshly in my head and saying nasty things to me, or ordering me to kill myself. Other times, I hear muffled voices around me trying to say something. I know that this isn’t really happening. I am just experiencing symptoms that will go at some time. But they sure feel scary and overwhelming. These are micropsychotic episodes, that people may experience in both BPD and C-PTSD.
My psychiatrist has taught me several coping strategies to try in these situations.
Coping strategies
1. Mindfulness – trying to stay in the present. Observing what is happening around me. What I can feel, hear, taste, touch and smell. It helps to come into present.
2 . My journal – it is a big help during such periods. When I experience dissociation I often colour in my journal. It helps me to calm down. This is one of the reasons I carry my journal with me, always.
3 . Deep breathing – inhaling for five seconds, holding for three and exhaling for five seconds. And mentally repeating ‘I am safe’.
4. Ice – I have learned this in distress tolerance skills: rubbing ice between my hands or washing my face with ice cold water. It helps a lot with dissociation and coming back to present.
This is how I struggle and cope with my mental illnesses. And I am not even a bit ashamed of it. Mental illnesses can affect anyone. And I have learnt how to cope with them. Mental illnesses are a part of me. They don’t reduce me. And there shouldn’t be any stigma surrounding mental health.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on anudahiya
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