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0 By Arun Dahiya
May is the borderline personality disorder Awareness Month. So I chose to write about the symptoms of borderline personality disorder (bpd) and how it impacts everyday life. I know it is one of the most stigmatized mental illnesses, so it’s not gonna be easy.
BPD’s impact on me
1 . Fear of abandonment. Yes, any person struggling with bpd has an intense fear that everyone will leave them eventually. And they make frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned, whether the fear is real or perceived. It’s like having a constant state of panic that your friends, family, or significant other don’t like you and could leave you randomly in any given moment. So in order to stop that, the person will beg, request, throw tantrums, be impulsive. The root cause for most of them is that they were left, neglected or abused by their primary caregivers at a crucial stage.
For me personally, I always have this intense fear that if I slightly annoy someone they will abandon me. And it results in people-pleasing habits. It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, close friend or someone I’ve met once.
2. Splitting. For a person with bpd, splitting is very common. It seems our life is divided into white and black. Either we love something or we detest it. There is no inbetween. We find it hard to see situations under different circumstances. We forget the concept of two dialects of a given situation. And this creates lots of chaos and confusion. We become indecisive about what to actually believe.
Self-image and impulsiveness
3. Unstable self-image. People with bpd, due to their fear of abandonment, try to mix in with their surroundings a lot in order not to upset anyone, and often, to survive. Through doing this we pick up the behaviour of different people. It leads to identity confusion. We lack a clear idea of who we actually are.
For me it is like being fragmented into different parts. I sometimes am mature and understanding, other times childlike, and sometimes full of rage and not caring for anything.
4. Impulsive behaviours. People with borderline personality disorder struggle a lot with impulsiveness. Rash decisions and following impulses are common. For me, being short-tempered and instantly concluding the worst possible outcome is due to impulsiveness.
Suicidal and intense feelings
5. Suicidal behaviour and self-harm. This is a big part of bpd. Most of us have passive thoughts of suicide and have ended up self-harming. Most often it is a cry for help. We cut, burn, purge, hit and intoxicate ourselves.
For me, yes, since childhood I have had passive suicidal thoughts. I may not actively try it. But I would not care if I died tomorrow. And yes, under extreme stress I have self-harmed numerous times. I know it becomes embarrassing in front of others. But this is something that is not under our control.
6. Intense emotions. People with bpd are considered to have no emotional skin. When we are happy, nothing can be better than the present moment. It’s almost euphoria. And when we are sad, it is like the end of the world for us. And anything can trigger it. Marsha Linehan says that people with bpd are like third degree burn victims. Any slight remark can lead us to despair for several days. We experience the highs as well as the lows. And yes, not having emotional regulation creates total chaos in our lives.
Other major symptoms
7. Emptiness. We can’t stay still, because we will do anything to avoid our inner fears and feelings. But in the end we still have the chronic feelings of isolation and emptiness. Like, in the end, we feel that we don’t relate anywhere, so we often isolate ourselves in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt.
8. Anger. Yes, we struggle with impulsive behaviour. Some of us will have outbursts of anger and others may turn anger inward. For me it is turning inward. Rather than hurting anyone, I get an extreme loathing for myself. And that is very unhealthy.
9. Dissociation. We struggle with dissociation and detachment a lot. It is the feeling of being foggy and zoned out. It’s like observing from far away, or as though we don’t belong to our body. It’s a state of not being in the present. This is a defence mechanism by the mind. When it feels it can’t deal with trauma, it turns to a safe place instead of staying in the moment. It is the fight or flight response.
These are the major symptoms of borderline personality disorder. And unfortunately lots of people struggle with it on a daily basis. But it’s not a life sentence. With therapy and constant practice you can heal and learn how to regulate your emotions.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on http://anudahiya.blogspot.co.uk/2018/05/how-borderline-personality-disorder.html?m=1
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