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0 By Frances Beck
Grief is a strange and many-faceted beast!
Wednesday marks 12 weeks since my darling boy felt he had no other choice but to leave us. 12 weeks, 84 days, but from now it’s more likely to be measured in months.
I don’t know that I’m ready for that.
In some ways it only seems like a couple of weeks ago that I last chatted to Conor. However, in others it honestly feels like a lifetime. There are times when grief lies fairly quietly and allows you to ‘get on’ with everyday life without too much issue.
Grief
There are times when grief allows your mind to believe that this must all be a horrible nightmare that you will wake up from.
Then there are times when grief makes herself very much evident and you can give her the space that she needs.
There are times when grief makes herself very much evident and you can’t give her the space that she needs.
Also, there are times when grief permeates every cell of your body and makes you wonder how you’re going to be able to breathe your next breath.
I keep thinking that I’ll wake up
Of all of these, my biggest struggle is with what follows my believing that this must all be a horrible nightmare. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up from a horrible dream.
Then reality always kicks in, and it’s not that my rational mind doesn’t know and believe what has happened. It very much does! However, when the reality does kick in, everything is as fresh and painful as it was the evening that the police turned up at my door.
Now I can’t see a police car in my street without feeling physically sick.
I’ve spoken before about ‘forgetting’ for a short time, but I’ve come to realize that it’s not that I’ve ‘forgotten’. How could I? It’s always in my mind, whether the forefront or slightly further back. My mind is trying to cope as best it can with the enormity of the fact that my boy is no longer physically with me. It is trying to protect me.
No parent should ever have to feel that pain
In all honesty, my head is all over the place and I’m having a hard time trying to keep up. At this point, all I can say, is appreciate the people you have in your life that support you through your hard times.
I certainly do, and they know who they are because I’ll never leave anyone in any doubt now. I am still determined to keep moving forward. I’m trying to ensure that no other parent has to go through this.
That may very well be the thing that helps me survive. I will remain positive, not in the fact that everything will be okay. In the fact that I’ll be okay regardless of everything.
If I can survive this, I can survive anything.
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