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0 By Kelly Slaney
When I’m anxious it’s horrible for me. No one wants to feel like their breathing is so uncontrollable they might just pass out. No one enjoys that horrible feeling of a thousand thoughts, most of them negative, whizzing around their brain at a dizzying pace. It’s a horrible, debilitating condition.
It affects others too
Not just for me going through it, either. When I’m anxious the kids get irritable mum, the one who is so sensitive to noise ‘sssshhh’ is out of her mouth way more often that it should be. Friends and people around me get distracted by me. I’m the one who is going to need telling again when she is feeling better exactly what you told me just now. Because although I’m nodding and trying so hard to listen I just can’t take it on board.
So then imagine dating me?
Obviously when anxiety is nowhere to be found I am a delight!! All sparkling conversation and wit and charm… or something…
During an anxious period, not so much!
Some tips for dating anxiety sufferers
I can’t be the only one, so if you’re dating someone who suffers with anxiety there might be some tips here for you. Obviously everyone is different and I can only speak for myself but here goes.
I will cancel on you – this is likely nothing to do with you.
When anxiety strikes, people are tricky. Even people I really, really like are a struggle. Now if I’m dating you I really really really like you as not many get that far. So I’ll try really hard to just push through. Only, added to the people phobia is that voice. The anxiety voice telling me he doesn’t want to go out with me anyway, why would he? I’m dull, I’m boring, I’m just an anxious drain. In fact he’s probably only involved with me because he feels sorry for me.
Regular me knows all that to be anxiety-fuelled nonsense. Anxiety-ridden me knows FOR SURE that this is the truth.
So I’ll probably cancel. Get under my duvet and spend a few hours worrying about if you’ll ever want to see me again with me being such a pathetic flake.
And…
Anxiety is exhausting.
Prepare yourself for contradiction.
Again I can only tell my story, but during an anxious bout I want to be left alone. I don’t want chat or touching or being made to talk about how I feel. Except… ALL I want is company of someone I trust and touching and holding and reassuring words.
Goodness knows what chances another person has of getting it right when I have no clue myself.
Sometimes silence is key.
When anxious I become so oversensitive to noise. People talking normally will really get to me as it feels too overwhelming. I’m already exhausted because as detailed above, having 3 million thoughts a minute wears you out. So sometimes I’m going to just need to lie under a blanket with you. No words, no small talk, just silence and knowing you’re there will calm me.
You’ll probably get dumped
You may get dumped. In my case you’ll certainly get dumped. I’ll decide that there’s no point continuing with this. Tell you to go find someone ‘normal’. Even if I really like you, especially if I really like you. How on earth could I expect anyone to put up with this anxious mess on a regular basis?
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Truth is, I’m just giving you an out. I know I can be hard work when anxiety strikes. Especially if I’ve not mentioned I’m feeling anxious and you just think I’m going off on one because I’ve gone off you. So I’d understand if you couldn’t deal with it. I’m really hoping you won’t take that out though, I’m hoping you’re going to ride this out with me. It takes a special kind of a person to do that though, so if that’s not you, best you do run for the hills.
Cheat codes
Once you learn the cheat codes it’s so much easier. You know the old-fashioned games consoles where if you knew the cheat codes you could get neverending lives or some bonus. Well it’s kind of the same with people.
My anxiety is pretty predictable, it creeps up gently, gives me a rough couple of days, then fades again. My reaction to it is equally predictable. I get a bit needy, I look for constant reassurance. If you can recognise the signs that I’m having an anxious day and, even better, then know how to comfort me, then we’ll be just fine. I was once having a particularly bad anxious day, all self-loathing and horrid, so employed the ‘let’s just finish this’ technique detailed above. The (correct) response from the (lucky?!) guy in question was to suggest a duvet and a nap, and if I still wanted to dump him later that’d be fine!!
Mr Smarty Pants was obviously right, to my surprise, and when questioned how he knew I was just anxious answered, ‘I just know your anxiety cheat codes by now.’
It’s not easy
Caring about someone with anxiety can be tough, as I for one struggle to verbalise my feelings and so therefore my behaviour can seem odd. Anxiety makes me irritable and full of doubt and self-loathing. It makes me exhausted and lethargic and drains me of energy. It can make huge changes to my personality, it makes me needy and I bloody hate feeling like that. I’m a strong independent woman not that one under a duvet asking for her hair played with. That must be a lot to deal with.
It takes someone special to be the reassuring voice without getting frustrated by the need for it.
Someone special to invest in knowing me well enough to know that stroking my hair and shhhhhing me like a baby can help when an anxiety attack strikes.
To be patient and to care about me when I don’t much care about myself.
Anxiety is not a constant in my life though. I’m lucky these days – it’s just a rare visitor. So if you can put up with the occasional rough day it’s so worth it for all the sparkling conversation and wit and charm I told you about at the beginning… and I make an awesome pie!! I’m a catch, honestly!!
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on: kellyandthekidsblog
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