Social?? Nooooo! Feeling awkward and silly

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By Lisa Waugh

I’ve noticed recently that I’m struggling with being social. Most people I know get excited about a night out. Whether it’s just drinks with a couple of friends or a party, or other things like days out, group outings, a works do! But the idea of those things terrifies me.

I want to run away and hide

I’ll put on a nervous smile and say “Great, thank you, that’s a good idea”. I sometimes manage a polite “not sure” or “sorry, I’m busy”. (It’s such a relief to be able to truthfully say this.) The fight to not show the real terror and blind panic in my mind is immense. I’m desperately not wanting to be rude, but also just wanting to run away and hide. Changing the conversation, or looking for a way out, an escape route.

It has nothing to do with the person or people doing the inviting or trying to arrange the “thing”. It’s that social setting that is scary. In work, Zumba or even a salsa night, I have a reason to be there, things to discuss, from work stuff to the basic “Hello, how have you been?” on the dance floor. You only have a few minutes, when someone asks you to dance, to worry about before the song has finished.

Feeling lost and terrified

But the rest of the time I’m lost and terrified.

It’s hard to put into words exactly what it is that scares me. It involves a few different things and they get all muddled together, spinning around and churning it all up.

Having nothing to say, having nothing in common with people, not fitting in, not understanding what they’re talking about, having no knowledge or experience of whatever they are discussing; that scares me.

They’ll realise I’m a “loser”

I’m scared they’ll actually learn stuff about me and realise what a “loser” I am, what an idiot I am. They’ll realise I really have nothing to offer or that is interesting about me – there’s so little to like.

I feel I have no experiences worth sharing, my mind goes blank, and I genuinely have nothing to say.

If I do make it out I sit in silence, my mind running laps. I sit grinning away and nodding, occasionally chipping in if I can pluck up the courage. Most of the time feeling silly and awkward.

I want to enjoy these situations, and I can enjoy parts. But if I don’t arrive or I do say no, or someone you know does that, it’s probably not about you or what you’re planning. It may well be something in their head. For me it’s definitely fear and worry.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on lisadwaugh