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0 By Avion Anderson
Each and every one of us on this planet has secrets. We all have secrets we keep, even from our loved ones, and I am totally guilty of this.
I keep it all secret
I barely share my feelings, goals, ambitions, all aspects of my personal and professional life, with my family or friends. That’s because my family are very judgemental and telling them anything always brings on lots of anxiety and negativity. After being diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, I have tried everything in my power to keep it a secret from them.
Mental illness is a taboo subject and one that is rarely talked about openly. It’s an issue that is rarely brought to the forefront of matters relating to healthcare. Now it’s been branded a disease filled with nothing but pain and exclusions. It has become the most misconstrued and ill-treated disease in the Caribbean. This concept needs to change, as it is a great danger to the health of the people across the Caribbean.
People have a bad attitude
My family and friends, as well as everyone here in Trinidad and Tobago and across the Caribbean, still are arrogant about mental health issues. They think that once a person has been diagnosed, they should be sent to a mental institution. They are considered a danger to themselves and others.
One of my biggest fears is, due to the fact that they are arrogant and ignorant about mental health conditions, they believe all the crap which has been passed down from one generation to another. So I don’t see the point in giving myself even more anguish and pain and frustration by going to them and telling them that I have a mental condition, knowing that they wouldn’t understand and that they have never had any experience themselves. They would judge me harshly and become overly dramatic. This might result in me getting more edgy and stressed out.
Living in a battlefield
Anxiety disorders and my other mental health conditions are things I have to live with for the rest of my life. It’s like living in a battlefield each and every day. The struggle to survive is real. Dealing with it – coping, managing and trying my very best to keep myself together – is most times too much for me to handle. It takes a lot out of me, but I have gotten by so far and I plan to ride it all the way out.
I do know that they deserve to know the truth, before it becomes a serious problem that I can’t handle on my own and my condition gets beyond my control. But I know that the majority of them would judge me wrongfully, especially my parents. Others may be more sympathetic but pity me, and I don’t need that in my life.
I do want them to fully understand what mental health truly is about. And what the different mental conditions are, including my own, and also why I do the things I do. But I will leave that up to the great divine.
Why do I keep it all secret?
Why I have kept my anxiety disorders and other mental health condition such a big secret from my family and friends:
1. My family, immediate and extended, as well as my friends, are still blinded by the philosophy of those of old, and are ignorant to the truth. They are judgmental and airheaded as to what mental health is and to the different forms of mental illness. They believe that once a person has been diagnosed with mental illness, that individual is crazy, and needs medication all the time. That if they don’t take their meds they could do some really bad things, and should be placed in a mental institution. Then they can’t be a danger to themselves and others.
I am afraid if I tell any member of my family or my friends they would want to have me institutionalized and forgotten. While I am out here, I have not in any way harmed myself (or anyone else for that matter) whether self-harm, self-injury or self-mutilation. None of these things have I done, only attempted suicide and had suicidal thoughts.
Wanting to get out
2. I hate fetes, parties, large crowds and big group outings; they are my worst nightmare. I tend to feel claustrophobic. I look for a clearing to get myself out of that jam and hide in a corner. Once I hated attending seminars, workshops, conferences, trade shows and other major large events. I would always get that stare and look, as if there was something wrong with me or on me. It drove me mad.
Now, I am trying my very best to overcome my social anxiety disorder and schizoid personality disorder. I know that I have to go out there and mingle and be around people. But I do get to pick which seminars, workshops, trade-shows, conferences and other events I attend.
Always being questioned
3. I hate it when people stare me down. It makes me feel uncomfortable, as if something is wrong with me. So I do check myself before I leave the house to go anywhere. If I go somewhere by myself, say a cafe, restaurant or even the movies, people are always giving me the funny face and questioning me. They even ask me why I am so antisocial or shy. Some others, even my own mother, ask me questions like that.
It’s not that I am shy, or that I fear people. It’s just that I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that might send off some trigger reactions in others. Or they might judge me wrongfully, and I hate that as well. Yes, I am what one would call shy. I do love to be in the company of myself, and away from the crowd.
4. They say that my mental condition is forever. Yes, there have been more bad days than good ones, more downhill than uphill. No matter what, I always try to manage a smile and tell myself, and everyone else who asks me “How are you going?”, that I’m OK. The smile is sometimes fake, as though I wasn’t about to cry or die. I can’t predict it most times. I’m too busy trying to deal with other matters to notice when any of those painful signs and symptoms of my mental condition appear. I can only pray that they don’t sneak up on me when I am in public. I wouldn’t know how to react or how to handle it. It’s still hard to understand everything.
My friends
5. A lot of friends think that I hate having them around, even those in my community. When we were younger, we would walk freely in each others yard. We’d climb the mango tree, plum tree, coconut tree and so on. If you did not like what your parent cooked, you could always go by the neighbour and get a plate of food and something to drink.
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We all have outgrown our childhood and teenage years and now are full grown adults, and time has changed. I do love spending time with my friends and family, but now I know that being around them tends to drive me nuts. And I tend to show some form of craziness, which gets to them. They don’t have to come out and say it. Their body language alone speaks volumes. I am happy they all still want to be in my life and stick with me. But if I told them that I have a mental illness, you would see for yourselves how all of them would just disappear.
I’ve missed out
6. I would have to admit that I have been very guilty of allowing opportunities to pass me by. But I must say that maybe they were not mine to begin with, because they never presented themselves again in any other form or fashion. My family thinks that I am utterly foolish for missing out on or giving up on great opportunities. I’ve always been a person who goes after what she wants, falls down, but always manages to get back up again.
I do have the potential. I’m just a little shy, and scared of what the outcome might be like. I do expect the best, but I am always prepared for the worst.
Telling them
7. Besides, my job was making me sick and I did not like it there anymore. I have told my family the reason which had also caused me to quit my job in November last year was because of my mental breakdown, which was possibly the hardest blow and wake up call that I got.
There are lots more other secrets relating to my mental condition that I have failed to let my family and friends know about. They may all come out one day, which I’m probably hoping might be soon, once I leave it solely up to both my doctor and psychologist.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on avionneslegacy
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