The rollercoaster of getting help for anxiety and depression

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I have never written a blog post before now, but frequently find myself scrolling through endless articles describing others’ experiences of mental illness when I’m feeling unwell. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. Reading about mental health is the only thing that will hold my attention when I’m struggling with anxiety. It occurred to me that perhaps writing my own experience of mental health and the rollercoaster of getting help could, hopefully, comfort someone else.

The rollercoaster of getting help

I first struggled with depression and self-harm in my early teens, mainly triggered by my toxic relationship with my controlling and belligerent mother. In the early 2000s, support for young teens with mental health issues was not easily accessible. When I tried to get medical help I was dismissively offered group counselling, without any attempt at a diagnosis. It was impossible for me to attend without coming clean to the very person I could not confide in.

I often wonder what a difference it would have made if I’d been taken seriously from the start and offered medical help at 14. Instead I spent the next 10 years reinforcing unhelpful thought patterns and coping techniques, whilst the emotional abuse at home also continued. Unfortunately I only know how much of a struggle it is trying in adulthood to undo the harmful coping strategies that helped me survive this period – excessive drinking, comfort eating, smoking and self-harm.

The relief of being understood

I was 23 when I next felt it was acceptable to ask for help, and was finally taken seriously by my university counsellor, who acknowledged that I had been dealing with depression for 9 years and was still suffering the impact of my destructive relationship with my mother, despite having run away from home at the age of 19. I declined anti-depressants but felt much better for a period, due to the relief of being understood. At last I felt that my thoughts were a justifiable reaction to my teenage years, rather than attention-seeking melodrama.

My first experience of anxiety came when I moved to London after graduating and took on a stressful job in an accountancy practice. Keeping my job was dependent on passing three years of exams at the first sitting. The high pressure took its toll. I began to experience physical symptoms that were new to me – heart palpitations, hypersensitivity and an inability to focus. I accepted the offer of medication in desperation to get through my exams and keep my job.

Medication keeps me functioning

Despite my persistent fears that I was taking the easy way out, that I would no longer have control over my personality and that I would become reliant on them, my medications have kept me functioning for the majority of the past 4 years. Only when I tried to stop taking them did the suicidal thoughts return. I have now come to accept that I need to take them indefinitely.

My dosage has recently increased because I began losing my battle to cope with major life events, including buying a house and getting married. Naturally it upsets me that my mental health prevents me from enjoying such exciting milestones in my life. But I am grateful to have got this far. I am able to enjoy myself, and even feel happy, some of the time.

What I’ve learnt

I have spent years struggling with mental health and still don’t have everything figured out. But I feel fortunate to be in a position to provide support and understanding to others who are suffering.

My advice to anyone beginning their battle would be:

Be kind to yourself – allow yourself to do whatever makes you happy, and don’t feel guilty. If you’re having a bad day, rest.

Confide in others – many people have helped and supported me in recent years. This is only possible if you give them the opportunity by talking to them.

Celebrate every step of the recovery process – recovery is the chance to rebuild ourselves, and we control it. If you’re unhappy with something, change it and don’t look back.

Throughout my journey, mental health has become more widely acknowledged and understood. By sharing our stories, I hope we can continue this trend toward a healthier future.