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0 By Avion Anderson
Self-stigma does exist, especially for those of us living with mental illness, and especially around holiday time. Whenever there’s a large gathering of family members, we do our very best to avoid them and if we can’t, we find a quiet place to be alone with ourselves.
For me, self-stigma is a huge part of my life and my existence, as well as my mental condition, because I am not just dealing with one mental illness, but multiple, such as social anxiety disorder, schizoid personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, quite apart from anxiety and depression, which in a way has ruin my life, because I am not at all where I would have thought I would be, but back at the beginning.
Self-stigma makes me doubt everything
Why would I say that my self-stigma has ruin my life? Well, from childhood, I had always seen my life in great light. I wanted to accomplish many things that I’ve never got to doing, for which I have yet to make any great accomplishment in my life. I’ve yet to become all that I meant to be and do.
Self-stigma, and my mental illness, have played a major role in that, because they sneak in exactly when I am at a pinnacle point in my life, where I can see myself doing a great many things. They just come in and make me doubt everything, including myself and others and their intention towards me and my ideas and goals, causing me to drop everything or just forget, because it’s never going to happen. Yes, self-stigma can also be self-doubt and the negative part of self for me.
I’ve called myself worthless
I have on numerous occasions, in the earlobe of my neighbors, called myself worthless and said that I was not good enough, that I didn’t care if people called me crazy, stupid, foolish, ugly, and all sorts of hurtful names, even that I hated myself and I wished I was dead.
For me, I hated my life, my stomach, my many missing teeth, but not entirely my body, because my other body parts are just good. I felt ugly – looked like something out of Star Trek at times, I would say.
I even told myself that I would never amount to anything – well, I am still here, struggling and back to square one. That I would never have any friends – surprise, I don’t; well I don’t go out, and lost track of many of them.
I was not even good enough to love someone or be loved. So I had completely given up on love. My so-called friends even placed my profile on various online dating sites; that is not of interest to me. I’m sure when they hear that I have a mental illness, it will be, ‘Bye, bye, see you never.’
I don’t know how to make casual conversations anymore, I don’t even know how to start up a good conversation and keep the conversation going smoothly, without putting off the person(s). I was born in a boring village, where no fun and exciting thing ever happens, but we do have a beautiful beach, just no lifeguard, so one swims, dives at their own risk.
My mother called me foolish
I had at one point in time, completely given up on myself and said that my life was over, if the Lord could call my number quickly and take me to my final resting place. I also cussed god, I hated him for placing me here on earth, and some other hurtful things I said, that I can’t even comprehend, but yes, I did.
All my mother said was that I was just being foolish and that I just needed to cool off.
My family and the people around me hate to hear the words mental illness. They still view mental illness as a taboo subject and would discriminate against anyone who has been diagnosed with any form or type of mental condition. No, my family does not know that I have a mental condition or that it’s the cause for many of the pains of my past, present and possibly my future, and if it’s anyone’s guess – THEY MAY NEVER KNOW.
I know that most of you all would want to know, did my self-stigma and self-doubt cost me anything of importance and value? Yes, they both cost me that part of my life, that I would never ever get back, those missed opportunities, finances and I guess in a great way, everything.
Missed opportunities
Due to my own self-stigma, self-doubt, self-belief, low self-esteem and mental illnesses, I have lost out on:
– Finances: Instead of working hard and saving for the rainy day and investing for my future, because I lacked motivation, whenever someone came to me with a sad story, I would throw my money on them, I would go out my way and use my money to help them, become a better person, even though it turned out to be total lies in the end. I lost financially.
– Higher Education: I have failed in high school, at exams, and lost interest in wanting to further my studies, either in healthcare, law, journalism or any other subject matter of interest, at that point in time in my life. I don’t think that studying mental health would have ever been on my mind, without my own experiences, but psychology is great.
– Career Opportunities: I did have the opportunity to become a self-published and acclaimed author and writing sensation, but I gave all that up due to lack of finances and even though I loved writing, it sucked. There were other career opportunities that I failed to go after, that would have allowed me to be all that I can be and do. Being a Mental Health and Lifestyle Blogger/Writer, does offer great opportunities and has its rewards, but it can also become greatly overwhelming for me, but where there’s mental wellness, it’s all a great plus.
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– Travelling the world: Yes, there came an opportunity for me to travel the world, but I was working and did not see it as such a great deal and benefit. Two of my friends took the chance and they are living the dream, and I am truly happy for them.
Failed relationships
– Marriage and re-made family: Even though I never wanted any children or ever to get married, since I was eight years old, I’m sad that my three relationships failed. There were other guys who approached me, with deep desires to get serious and wanting to find their soulmate.
One in particular was a divorced man, who said that he believed that he had married the wrong person, but he loved his kids, they were his life. Yes, he had his own house, small business, two wonderful kids, but the baby mama drama was the problem, and also he was not from my country of Tobago, Trinidad and Tobago, but Italy.
Okay, don’t call me stupid or crazy, but the race factor did play a lot on my mind, because I am black and was going to live in another country with someone of another race. And also, I would have had to learn another language and get used to another lifestyle. It would have been too much for me if I had taken him up on his offer. He did remarry, had more children and started other businesses, and he and his family are doing well.
– It has nearly cost me my life: Yes, it almost caused me to take my own life and even call out to God, numerous of times, to call my number quickly and take me to my final resting place.
I’m working on overcoming self-stigma
Even though stigmatizing myself has cost me plenty and I do have regrets, I feel thankful for the lessons I’ve learned. Now I am feverishly working on overcoming self-doubt and self-stigma, which is easier said than done, but I do it anyway. First, accepting that I do have a problem. I received a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. That diagnosis doesn’t apply anymore, but I now have a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, which I don’t at all think that I have, but will accept for now.
I know that I need help, but that doesn’t include any member of my family or even my friends, because they all have negative views about mental health and see mental illness as a taboo subject still, and may never ever come to terms with the fact that it’s a real issue and it is here to stay forever.
How I cope
I’m overcoming my self-stigma, and I even cope and deal with my mental illness as best as I can, through:
– Adequate sleep each and every day: if I can’t sleep in the night, I usually take a brief nap during the day.
– Trying some green tea and other herbal teas, which is not at all me, as I don’t really love tea, but I am trying to cut back on my Coca Cola addiction. I am trying to substitute tea for Coca Cola.
– Exercising regularly: meditation, running, jogging, walking, yoga.
– Eating healthy: having a well-balanced diet, proper nutrition, more plant-based foods, fruits and vegetables. This should help boost my brainpower and provide me with all the necessary nutrients.
– Engaging in social activities and having a more fulfilling social life: this is a long way off from becoming a reality, because I suffer from both social anxiety disorder and schizoid personality disorder; both add up to extreme social phobia. I am constantly working on those problems and will gradually overcome them.
So, for me, overcoming self-stigma is taking a lot longer than most people would take, because everyone is different and so too are our symptoms. Every time, when I think that I am getting better something just pulls me back down.
Each and every day, I try to make an adjustment, even a tiny one, towards making my life better.
Reproduced with permission, originally published here avionneslegacy
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
