Am I mad? Should I fight the demons?

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By Martin

Am I? Not in the sense you might think – am I mad because I believe in forgiveness and friendship, even when someone has caused so much pain, someone who inadvertently helped to push me into the state I was in? Am I stupid for feeling a sense of forgiveness, for wanting things to be put right?

Should I fight the demons?

Is it sheer stupidity, or is it a positive quality, that I want things to be healed? And I don’t mean just one person, I mean everything. Should I just shut things away, cut them off, or should I work things through and try and make good on them? Should I fight the demons, wherever they may be, or should I just move on and let them lie as they are?

You see, I’m scared. I feel more level now. I’m not thinking about all the shit quite so much. The question is, is it just because my tablets are finally working? Or am I just doing what I’ve always done? I always end up shutting things away, screwing myself up. The thoughts fade, but the feelings are still there, just more in the background.

I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I reached such a terrible point that I think I need to put things right. I need to tackle my own thoughts and emotions, actually work them through and put them to rest. I’m just not sure I have the skills to do it.

I’m scared I’ll chicken out

I’m scared that if I feel a bit better, I will back away from help, telling myself I don’t need it. That’s what I’ve been doing for months, probably for years, and I need to make sure I don’t do it again.

At least I’m on a waiting list for counselling. I’m just worried that when I finally reach the top of the list I’ll chicken out, and once again the terrible shit I’ve had will just be shut away, just like the death of my brother.

I now know I never dealt with or got over his death. Is it even possible to get over that, when you were 11 years old at the time? I do know that I still miss him terribly.