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0 By Rachael Senior
I actually had a few things I was going to post about today, but I’ve changed my mind due to finding a diary I kept for a short while in 2015.
It was when I was seeing a counsellor, I was still very ‘new’ to this anxiety thing and figuring myself out, etc, and was still… well… a wreck. My manager (at the time) was a manipulative, conniving woman – that may be for another time, it’s far too long to go into now!
My counsellor had suggested I keep a diary, so I did for a few months, and right now I am so glad I did.
The anxiety I was feeling back then
Reading back about the anxiety I was feeling then, I see that the thoughts that went through my head were almost unreal. Numerous times would I write that I had to go to the toilet at work just to calm myself down from trying to not have an anxiety attack. Numerous times I went to the toilet and cried, blubbed sometimes. I dreaded going to work because of what my manager would or wouldn’t say to me, or – even more likely –who she would bitch to me about and who she would bitch about me to.
My saving grace throughout this time was a work chum who, I am proud to say, evolved into an actual friend pretty quickly. She took as much shit from this manager as I did.
I’ve come so far in two years
We both knew at the time what it was doing to us, how we felt about work, about her, but it’s only through looking back on this diary that I realise how far I have actually come in just two years.
The following 6–9 months, after I stopped the diary, were actually a lot worse at work than ever, so it certainly did get worse before it got better.
Things started to look up when she was made redundant and left. Anyway, through one thing/situation and another, I don’t go to work needing to cry or calm myself down anymore. Having my new job helps! I no longer have to worry about what she thought of me, what she thought she would get out of all the manipulation. I don’t dread going to work for any reason now.
My anxiety no longer crushes me
My anxiety doesn’t crush me from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. At the time I would have said I was doing okay, little hiccups, but nothing bad. Looking back, I can only assume I am seeing myself how others would have seen me at the time. Always nervous, panicked, crying, worried, uncertain, doubtful. Sure, I’m still these things now, but not half as much as I was.
It wasn’t one thing that helped; there wasn’t one lightbulb moment that changed everything for me. I didn’t even realise I had changed that much until reading this back.
I hadn’t forgotten these times, far from, but I think hindsight had actually dampened my memory of how I really was.
Plugging away and keeping going
It was a combination of medication, counselling, self-care, changing of job situations, colouring in, getting drunk, seeing friends, writing in a diary, having naps, watching movies, concentrating on each day.
I didn’t do all of these at once, or even many of these at once. Over the past 2 years I have done them all at some point. It is about plugging away and keeping going, then all the positives build up inside you without you realising.
So, what’s this post about? Well it’s a reminder for myself, for days, weeks or months in the future, to look back and to see how far I have actually come, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.
You can make it through
It is to encourage others to keep going. If you are a writer, keep writing, if you are an artist, keep drawing. Whatever your self-care is, keep doing it. You have already made it through so much, you can make it through the next day!
I will end with something else that I read in the diary. It is the 5 mantras from Rik Mayall – my Hero (image stolen from someone on Pinterest)
In my diary I also used to write one thing relating to each of these, to remind myself of who I am, not who others think I am.
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Reproduced with permission, originally posted on shouldyouneedus.co.uk
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