0 
0 By Kirsty
For all my efforts of implementing the tools proffered by The Upward Spiral book, for all my talk of ‘Just Do It’, I found myself stuck in a decision-making dilemma this morning. Really stuck. Couldn’t decide. Couldn’t move.
There’s a dance freestyle happening today. I was reminded of it last Friday. I noted it, but brushed thoughts of going under the rug. Sundays are S’s day off: an opportunity to do something with the children.
Frozen by indecision
Except, this morning, I woke and found the thought of possibly going at the forefront of my mind. What followed was about three hours of my mind whirring away — ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ — and also an intense feeling of being stuck, frozen in place by indecision.
I was weighing up the pros and cons of both scenarios, and not getting anywhere. Both had pros, both had cons. At one stage I resigned myself to not going, but it didn’t sit comfortably. It felt like a hot itch under the skin. I still had these thoughts nagging at me. I tried to brush them away; they just nagged me louder.
I quietly panicked
I began to feel quietly panicked — I was failing in my new philosophy. Note that use of language: ‘I was failing the philosophy’, not ‘the philosophy was failing me’…
I tried to think clearly. It was hard.
I tried to break the decision down into smaller tasks, but that didn’t apply in this case. The issue wasn’t the size of the task at hand, but whether I should act upon it.
What did I want? What did I want? I didn’t know. And then, after some time of this, it hit me. The very fact that I was in this dilemma was indicative that I wanted to go.
And then, as soon as I realised this, everything cleared and clicked into place. I did want to go.
I felt guilty
My reasons for wanting to stay were not about a desire to stay, but about my concern over the repercussions and how my going would affect S and the others. They’d be disappointed, I’ll feel guilty, I should spend this time with them, they’ll be resentful, etc. etc.
I told S about my morning of quiet turmoil and the conclusion I had come to. I wanted to go. But then I found myself automatically justifying my decision. ‘You know, I don’t think I’m selfish in this way. I don’t go out every weekend, or even every week sometimes, I…’
He interrupted, ‘Why would going out every weekend or even every night make you selfish?’
That flummoxed me, ‘Well, it…wouldn’t…necessarily…’
”You see.”
It’s not selfish
I continued to ramble on with different justifications of my decision.
‘Stop justifying yourself!!’
*silence*
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‘You don’t need to justify your decision, not to me and not to yourself!’ He was right.
And once I’d made that decision, that I was going, I felt so much better. Shower, makeup and getting ready, I felt lighter, freed, like an individual, purposeful and more human.
I was going.
And it was not only ok, but totally great!
Much Love
Kirsty
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on whatkirstydid.blog
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