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0 By Kirsty
Certain things give me a massive hit of the happy chemicals. I experience an almost giddy high that’s rather like drunkenness. It’s intoxicating and addictive. When I manage to make it, a good night of dancing, with good music, friends, drink and lots of smiles and laughter is one such thing.
I’m elated. But still not in balance. And whilst it feels absolutely amazing, and it’s so refreshing to feel so very good after so long of feeling bad or nothing (I almost don’t care that such highs are not strictly healthy either, it seems worth it) you can have too much of a good thing.
The come down
The come down from the happy chemicals is hard. Very. Very. Hard.
I had started to notice this come down throughout the last 9 months or so in particular, but it’s probably been around for longer, unrecognised.
Some evenings, the come down is harder than others. Last night was particularly so. The last time I danced was followed by a pretty hard hitting come down too. Both times, I realised, I’d been drinking. Not to the point of being wasted but certainly I could feel its effects. Shall we say, merry?
Alcohol
I wondered, both in my cab ride home last night – as I felt myself feel increasingly crushed by the weight of this particularly harsh come down – and this morning as my pounding head indicated the extent to which my four glasses had affected me, just how much alcohol had exacerbated this come down.
I have a basic awareness of how alcohol exacerbates and heightens existing emotions or tendencies. If you’re happy it will make you more so; if you’re sad it will make you more so. Whilst I was happy socialising and dancing, drink seemed to only add to this. Afterwards however, when the stimuli was done, the drinks I had had seemed to serve to heighten the come down from the happy chemicals.
Influence of alcohol v feelings
I tried with almost a feeling of desperation on the ride home to differentiate between the influence of alcohol and my actual feelings. I couldn’t, not much.
The cut off from the high… I began to wonder if that’s what addicts feel like when they go cold turkey.
It’s passed now, but I felt terrible at the time. Oppressive. And very very low. I walked in the door and the tears just sprang like a burst water mains. Then came the feelings of conflict because I was crying to be home with all its strains and triggers, far removed now from dance etc, but that wasn’t to say I didn’t love my home. I saw the photos of my children on the wall and felt horrendous guilt that I wasn’t happy to be home, where they are.
Back in touch
I feel fine this morning though. I’ve spent a relaxed morning with the youngest, playing and watching Frozen. The come down is hard, but always passes and I usually feel more grounded by the next day. Back in touch with my actual life.
I still feel capable and on an up phase, so the come down from the happy chemicals doesn’t appear to have had any long-term effects. This time. My main concern is that I’ll experience it again the next time. And the next.
Dancing
Since returning to dance two years ago, I’ve found I need at least one drink at the beginning because I’ve become so socially anxious. I’m self-conscious about my image and lacking in confidence in my abilities, so often I’m a tightly wound spring when I first arrive. There’s a tight, painful knot in my stomach. And I’m good for nothing then! Stumbling, mumbling, being awkward. A nosedive into feeling worse.
When I go out, I want to emulate the shine I used to radiate back in the day. Or its up-to-date equivalent. I need at least one glass of something if I’m to stand so much as a chance of that. I’m hoping there’ll come a day when I’ll no longer have this ‘need’, because I dislike feeling dependent on booze for anything, no matter how small.
Monitoring my drink
That freeing feeling of being unshackled that alcohol can give is rather delicious, especially when so much of my time is spent feeling trapped. But I don’t really need to drink excessively when I’m out. I don’t feel like I must. When I do drink in excess, it’s driven by pure impulsiveness (a naturally impulsive nature fuelled further by depression means that probably about 55% of all I do is ‘impulse’. I’m pretty self-aware, but less self-disciplined!)
I’m going to try and monitor my drink intake the next time I go out. I want to establish more clearly the degree to which it affects the come down from the happy chemicals, when the evening ends. Once I understand it, I’ll be able to control it more.
Knowledge is power after all.
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Much Love
Kirsty
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UNITED KINGDOM
