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0 By Kathryn Moyes
I got diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Paranoia and Anxiety when I was young. I did certain things, thought things, that weren’t normal for a young child. For example, you could never say the word ‘death.’ I was terrified of it, and I wrote down the word ‘alive’ everywhere I could. I even tried to cut it into my skin.
I would obsess and worry over certain things; they would be the smallest of things, such as having a pain in a certain part of my body. I would then think ‘Is there something wrong? Do I need to go to hospital? Are my limbs okay?’
I went to therapy
It was, and is still, very tiring. I compare my brain to ‘a hamster of wheels.’ 24/7 thoughts, no peace of mind. When I got diagnosed with OCD, I went to therapy, some of which was CBT. I found it helpful to a certain extent. They taught me the cycle of my thought process, however it is still incredibly difficult to rationalise my thoughts. OCD feels exhausting and time-consuming.
This went on for a while, and it was hard to talk to people who didn’t relate or understand it. I felt isolated and alone.
My OCD fixated on food
Later in life, my OCD fixated onto different topics, but the worst of all was food. I developed an eating disorder, and still struggle to this day. A lot was happening in my life, and when things got too much or seemed out of my control, I guess I turned to exercise for some sort of escape.
I have always been a slim person; however, I was not happy with my size at that time. So I decided to eat healthier and exercise. However, my exercise became more and more, and my eating became less and less. I was lost, I felt like I was drowning, and it just got worse.
I would usually only eat a bowl of porridge and an apple all day, and maybe some dinner, depending who I was with. On occasions I got forced to eat, and later I would sneak into the bathroom and throw up. Then in the morning I would exercise, and I would do as much walking as I could to compensate for eating.
I was starving
My eating disorder started controlling and ruining me and my life. Work was not helping, so I had to take sick leave, as I could not focus on anything. It made it hard to go out with people – as they wanted to go for meals. It was hard to even engage in a normal conversation, as I couldn’t focus on what they were saying. All I kept focusing on was not eating, but inside I was starving.
For me personally, I would describe my eating disorder as life-ruining, destroying, destructive, lonely and isolating. I felt like there was no way out. I was lost, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.
All I wanted was to be ‘normal,’ whatever that was. I wanted to go for meals, see my friends, have fun. At some point you forget what fun is; you forget how to enjoy life. I wanted to be able to talk to someone who wasn’t my mum, someone who wouldn’t get upset when I tried to talk about what I was going through.
Getting help
The National Health Service took a while to provide any help, so I had to do something soon before I lost myself completely. I researched a lot of self-help techniques and read a lot of books, then I booked to see a private therapist. After a few sessions I opened up about things I never thought I would. It was a massive relief to let everything out that I was bottling in.
Now I look back over my long journey, and I know who is there for me through the good and bad times, no matter how difficult it was for them.
It’s my life
Mentally, each day is a challenge and may always be, but it is a lot easier now. I can eat food without the guilt (most of the time).
Life is for living, I don’t want my OCD or eating disorder to rule my life. It’s my life, I will live it.
My body, my food, my rules! x
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on mymentalhealthandme
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