I think I'm Paranoid (and complicated)

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By Kirsty

I felt it creeping up on me slowly the last couple of weeks, but it came to a head the last 24 hours or so. I’m paranoid.

“Nobody likes you”

”Everyone’s laughing at you”

“Everybody thinks you are needy and stupid and annoying”

Paranoid thoughts

My paranoid thoughts whisper to me. My insecurities have been pressing down on me oppressively since yesterday. I’ve been very very still today. Bed, sofa, bed…blankly staring at the TV that I have no interest in. Padding into the kitchen or dining room for a minute, moving a couple of things about for no reason. Not engaged. Too much time online, procrastinating, in an unsuccessful attempt to smother my thoughts. A brief, wonderful window of genuine laughter.

I attempt to confide in S but there’s very little opportunity; the children take priority. And I don’t begrudge them that in the least because that’s exactly how it should be of course. There’ll be an opportunity at a later time, with luck.

But until then there’s just me and my thoughts…and they crush me.

It’s tiring arguing with yourself

But I know that’s what it is. It’s MY thoughts. MY insecurities, MY paranoia. Not because anybody’s done or said something necessarily. Nothing significant anyway to warrant these kinds of thoughts. In fact there’s an inner Angel of Logic clad in white arguing with me that of course people like you, think upon all the conversations you’ve had, all the good times and moments and laughter etc. My insecurity, the irrational demon in red and black, argues back louder. It’s tiring, arguing with yourself.

And the panic. Because “nobody likes me” and I can’t rectify that, I can’t fix it. The shame, the embarrassment, the guilt and frustration…

It will pass

I’ve been living with this and similar enough now to know that, with me at least, episodes like this come in and out like the tide. It will pass, sooner or later. And it could be very much sooner or it could be very much later, I’ve no way of telling. I just need to ride it out. It will pass, and at one point when my mind is clearer I’ll wonder how on Earth I could ever have such thoughts. Indeed, with a clear mind I won’t care even a quarter so much about who likes me and who doesn’t! My people-pleasing habits are not about a need to be liked but a need not to make others feel bad. Classic empath.

Even though I know it will pass it is hard in the moment as I’m experiencing this. Stuck on a rock, waiting for the tide to go out again. Or perhaps a lifeboat?

Much Love

Kirsty

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on whatkirstydid