1st Attempt

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By Ed

Having never written my thoughts down before, I’m not quite sure where to start.

Expecting it’ll go wrong

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with feeling alone and down. It’s almost my default position. Whenever something’s going well there’s always something else there to say that it will stop soon and something will go wrong.

A few years ago I was off work with depression and on medication. I went to counselling. Did it help? Honestly I don’t know. I was able to speak to someone who I knew I wouldn’t see in everyday life and I could leave my things there in a room, but did it help me? I don’t think so.

Whenever I try for promotion at work there’s always part of me that holds myself back so I am prepared for the failure and don’t expect too much. That way when the result is confirmed it makes it so much easier to deal with.
I have a fantastic wife and a stable job. I have pretty much what I would ever want in life, other than children, but that’s not possible having suffered from miscarriages. We are in the adoption process, but that was a fight. Saying that, everything seems like a fight at the minute.

This just has to pass

My sister has children so my folks are regularly there, but I see them when they’re not busy with their grandchildren.
I used to be a sporty person. I’m not any longer but like to try and push my physical self, which usually ends in injury.
My latest injury is in my spine and I’m waiting for injections and surgery. Getting this done is a battle and is getting me down. The painkillers don’t work properly but take the edge off and let me get some sleep.

Everything at the minute is feeling like it’s getting on top of me. I feel so lonely at times. I don’t want to talk to some people because they’ll then feel like they’re letting me down and wonder why I feel like I do but they’ll try and get me to look at the positives.
Why is it some people can’t grasp that sometimes all I want is to be alone, be quiet and wallow?

I know I will get out of this rut, but I can’t be rushed out of it. I can’t be pulled out of it and I genuinely think that there’s nothing anyone can do, it just has to pass.