Sad, not depressed - Why I don't 'deserve' a depression label

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By Samantha Jones

I am sad, not depressed

For a couple of months now I have been feeling low and out of sorts. It’s like there is a black cloud hovering above my head, not allowing me to think straight. This cloud doesn’t allow me to wash, leave the house, tidy up, eat, or dress.

I am sad, not depressed.
I have been seeing many professionals over these past couple of months; they believe I am depressed. However, this title doesn’t belong to me. I am not worthy of this label. It belongs to those that have suffered trauma, lost loved ones and don’t have the things in life that I have gained recently. I have moved house, learnt to walk again after eight long years and I have also become engaged. Yet all these things mean nothing to me.

I am sad, not depressed.
Nothing has happened around me to make me feel sad. I feel confused. Why is this happening? Why is there a dark cloud above me that appears even when there are so many positives going on? This shouldn’t be happening.

Feeling unworthy

I am sad, not depressed.
I feel ungrateful for saying that the positives in my life mean nothing, but that’s the truth. I’m feeling unworthy of the positives that are going on in my life. This is a lot harder to deal with than the sadness.

I am sad, not depressed.
At least I know where I stand with sadness. I know it will be there, hovering above my head at all times. That is what I have learnt over these months. I am never on my own. Ok, so it’s not the kind of company I want, but I guess it is company. It lingers when I am on my own, it’s there at 2 am when I can’t sleep, and it’s going to be there tomorrow.

I am sad, not depressed.
I know that I am sad. Why else would I be planning my own funeral? I don’t want to exist in a cruel world. I’m constantly being knocked back down under the dark cloud. I’m looking for every opportunity to self harm.

I am sad, not depressed.
I don’t deserve to put others through this pain and suffering. As they are treading on eggshells around me, I gain a label of depression. I don’t believe this is right.