Finally: The Hate

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By Kris

I’m off my meds now, I have been for 7 weeks. It’s a weird sensation: my body working towards homeostasis. I can actually feel it happening, almost like an awakening, mentally, physically and emotionally.

From my last “blog”, I have continued writing. The thing is, with out the chemical psychosis, my brain and memory has become a lot clearer. The message: “Finally the hate”, is a pretty strong adjective to use, but it’s a true one. I have to find peace within myself to truly heal.

Finding peace is accepting what has gone. I met an amazing person. I told that person that I would love them till the day that I died. That person tried to kill me. One cardiac arrest and resuscitation later: I have had to accept that I did actually “die”.

I have been called a “pure heart”. Even though that person tried to kill me, I still love them. But I have no trust for that person. I could never be alone with that person, ever.

I have the daunting fact that I have Restorative Justice: an opportunity to ask why did this happen. I know that I may never get an answer. I know that I may never hear the truth. My truth now, is that thanks to “that” night, I am developing Body Dysmorphia. I hate myself for what I am.

Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal – I got a second chance to live, so I am not wasting it. At the moment I am only existing, not living.

A very large part of me died “that” night. After that, there came The Awakening. I have hopes and dreams of being able to make a difference, even if it is to just one person.

For ten years, that relationship was perfect. But then I got to cyber chatting to an amazing woman, Jen Waite (Google her). Without the prescription medication my memory is clearer.

This is hard to say, but I have to say this: Love does strange things to a person: I was a Domestic Abuse Victim for a very long time.

If you are willing to continue to listen to my story, it will all come out. My Depression. My OCD. My Body Dysmorphia. My Panic Attacks. My Social Anxiety. My Suicide attempts. All because I let that person hurt me, beat me, undermined me and ultimately, destroy “me”.

I have a beautiful mind. It is working properly again. Hopefully, my story will give a beacon of hope to at least one person.