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0 By Amysboarderlineworld
I have high functioning depression and I have suffered with mental health issues most of my life. But when I finally gained the confidence to begin talking about it and telling others I had it, I was more often than not met with comments such as “Wow, I would never have known!” This is part of the difficulty for people living with high functioning depression, and often why we are not believed, or misunderstood.
I have chosen to talk about a few points that I think are important for people to understand about me and my life with high functioning depression.
High Functioning Depression – Just because I’m smiling and laughing doesn’t mean I’m not struggling
This is a big one that I struggle with most days of my life. I smile, laugh, and even joke, so that I don’t worry or burden others. This gives the impression of being ‘better,’ but the majority of the time I am far from it. My mask has always been my safety blanket. It’s something that I have used my entire life. But I do find that if someone truly takes the time to talk to me and ask me how I am feeling, I will open up. This is such an amazing feeling. It’s just a shame that most don’t or won’t do this.
I am always exhausted
I spoke about this with a friend not long ago, about how exhausting it is to live with any mental illness full stop. If I tell people I am tired, or even exhausted, I am nearly always met with “Oh, me too!” I shrug that off, but what I really want to say is “You have absolutely no idea what it’s like to feel this exhausted. Every single second of every day!” I don’t mean it in a horrible way. It’s just one of those things that I wish people understood a little more. I keep myself so busy so that I don’t slip. I am so scared that the dark thoughts will come back that I exhaust myself, mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s why I am usually in bed every night by 9 pm!
High Functioning Depression is isolating
One thing I hate about depression, well most mental illnesses actually, is that they force you to isolate yourself. Part of this comes from the depression telling me not to go out. Not to talk to anyone. Why would I? They all hate me anyway!? Which in itself is completely debilitating. It annoys people, but it’s not something I enjoy doing. I literally sometimes have no choice! It feeds into the stigma that surrounds mental health and makes me feel very anxious at times.
It makes me seem like I am being deliberately difficult
I have unfortunately come across this feeling from others close to me a few times. When you can’t make a decision, or cancel something last minute, or can’t cope when plans change. So many times I have had “Just deal with it!” “It’s not the end of the world.” “Why are you over reacting?” What might seem like such a small thing to others is huge to me. Often, I have everything planned out in my head before hand, and so it’s like a bomb going off in my head if something changes at the last moment – I panic! I wish I didn’t feel like this, but I just can’t help it.
I often have no idea why my depression takes a turn for the worse
Oh, the times people have asked “What’s the matter?” “Why are you feeling like this?” “What’s brought it on this time?” and the times I’ve replied “I have no bloody idea!” And it’s true. Sometimes I can just wake up in the morning and feel different. Sad. Anxious. Stressed and moody. It doesn’t matter if I am doing everything I can to keep my mental health issues in control. It can all be undone by one – usually unknown – trigger, and it all comes crashing down.
Getting support from loved ones is often the most important thing
I have the most amazing, loyal, kind and loving husband. I’m so grateful and blessed to have him, but high functioning depression is difficult to understand. I can’t fault how he has been there for me the last few years when many partners would have walked away. He doesn’t often understand a lot of what I am going through, but he asks and he listens, which is so important. Unfortunately though, there are others around who often don’t understand so just ignore it or make assumptions. This is so painful for the person suffering. A text is sometimes all it takes. Just to know that you are wanted, that you are loved. I completely understand that it is difficult. I suffer with it and I barely understand it at times. But ask us. Let us know you are there. That will mean the absolute world, I promise you!
I have said many times before that everyone’s experience with mental health issues are different. Even if they have the same diagnosis. So I have chosen to focus on my experiences and my issues.
High functioning depression is so difficult to live with. It’s a struggle most days to keep on fighting, but I will. Please don’t give up on people suffering depression or any other mental health issue for that matter. Show them support and love the way you would any physical illness.
Remember, most people are fighting battles we never know about. Be kind always.
Lots of love
Amy xx
‘High Functioning Depression’ reproduced with permission, originally posted here
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I’m so very thankful for this article. I felt as if I wrote the article because I have the exact same feelings, except I never married or had children because I didn’t want anyone to have to ‘put up’ with me and my moodiness, lack of energy and just not feeling like dealing with the day. I’ve totally isolated myself over the past 4 years and it’s been a lonely lonely place. My dog brings much much much happiness to my life. She gets me and is always at my side. Butterscotch had been my lifesaver.
Thank you again for this piece.
Being depressed is just such a miserable, distressing way to live. I continually asked myself ‘Why am I like this? Why is life so awful for me? Why don’t I want to see my friends? Why do I have good days and bad days?’ It was like this thing outside of me just descended upon me apparently without warning and changed my moods and made me upset. Many years later, now that I am living without depression, I can see how my emotional style was so typical of depressed people and what’s more, I learned that I could take control of my emotions. There was no illness forcing me to be miserable, moody, not wanting to be with my friends, unmotivated, vague and indecisive…it was a pattern of thinking which had become fixed in my brain. Over time I managed to choose other ways of thinking; calming myself in times of stress, observing my moods and noticing when and why they changed, eliminating stress from my life and sleeping better. It takes time, but depression doesn’t have to be a controlling factor in your life.
Thank you for sharing this. I resonate with what you say so much.
I’ve just found this article and you articulated exactly how I feel and the exhaustion of daily life. It’s so often easier to say I’m tired or I’m fine, without having to jump through the hoops of trying to explain the unexplainable. I fight on but there are times I want to give up and just not exist so I can get some peace.