I’m Broken – Part 3

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by Kris

Every time an emergency vehicle shot past that flat, fear shot through me. A week after the attack. I went to see my GP, I described my feelings of fear. I was told it was a natural response to the attack. It was labeled anxiety and panic attacks.

I was prescribed 5mg Diazepam to take as and when needed. I was also prescribed 10mg Citalopram and 10mg Amitriptyline. That night my head began to ache uncontrollably. I was feeling nauseous and disorientated.

I went to A&E. I was seen quickly due to being a head trauma patient. I was kept in for observation overnight. I received CAT scans. I was diagnosed with “delayed onset concussion”.

Over the next few days I started to develop tremors. Another visit to the GP surgery. I was told that the Citalopram and Amitriptyline would take 2-4 weeks to take effect properly. More Diazepam was prescribed to help buffer the symptoms till the other medication took effect.

That weekend I was back in A&E, the tremors were unbearable: I could not walk a few steps without stumbling. I was kept on an observation ward. I was seen by two Drs. A series of push/pull exercises were carried out as well as reflex exercises. I began to shake violently.

Panic consumed me, fear froze me, I began crying uncontrollably. The Dr reassured me everything was ok. But it wasn’t. That was the first of many flashbacks. “What happened?” The Dr asked.

“You’ve just made me realise that he did beat me! All down my left side as I lay on the floor trying to protect myself”.

I was monitored by another Dr. 15 hours in hospital. Sent home with a referral. The Black Dog greeted me at the entrance to A&E. We made our way back to that flat. I lay on the bed fully clothed.

Every time I closed my eyes, The Black Dog howled.

Realisation gradually dawning. The flashbacks I suffered in the hospital started to come to the surface. That night began to replay through my mind continuously. Absolution was a few hours away. Dis- fragmented flashbacks to the trauma raced through my mind.

The pain and anguish caused massive panic attacks. Absolution!!! Armed with a bottle of Absolute and my remaining diazepam.

A few words on FaceBook.

Done.

Goodbye.

(continued here)