My Story: I am a Postpartum Depression Survivor

By Mummyitsok

I am a Postpartum Depression Survivor. I’ve sat down many times and tried to write about my Postpartum Depression Journey and Postpartum Depression Recovery Story. It’s been difficult to know where to start. To be honest I have avoided it at times as I know this will be one of the hardest things I ever write. I am going to do my best though as I want other mums with Postpartum Depression to know how they are feeling is totally normal and that it does get easier with time. I’ve decided to roll both in to one story.

The Beginning – Pregnancy – Postpartum Depression Survivor

Looking back, my journey into the darkness of postpartum depression began when I was pregnant. It should have been an amazing time preparing for the arrival of our little one – but it wasn’t. Instead I became submerged into a world where I had to be the perfect mum.

I was convinced that if I knew all there was to know about looking after a baby then I couldn’t fail. It’s easy to see now that I was suffering from Prenatal Depression and Anxiety – but at the time I had no idea this was happening to me. I thought it was just the normal nerves of being a first time mum. It wasn’t – I was scared I would fail my baby as a mother – I obsessed about it so much, it took over me and my life.

I read every baby book and website I could find. I memorised every detail to do with caring for your newborn. How to breastfeed, how to bathe them, the best number of blankets to use depending on the temperature of the room. I spent hours researching about the best cot, steriliser & pram. I needed to have the best for him so he’d be OK and I’d be doing a good job as his mum. It was all there taking up masses of space in my head. I felt I had to stick to all this rigidly when my baby arrived so that I was being a good mum. I worried and stressed about every tiny detail. These were my thoughts 24/7. To say I became isolated and submerged in my own world of worry is probably a major understatement!

His room wasn’t immune to my need for perfection either. I’d seen in a baby store some blue wallpaper with white stars on – I HAD to have it. It was £20 a roll – pretty expensive. I looked at many alternatives but none of them were good enough. We had to buy the expensive one.

(I’m sat looking at the walls now thinking he’ll probably want to tear it down soon for something Fireman Sam or Paw Patrol related – I should have brought the £6 a roll stuff from B&Q!)

The Obsession – Postpartum Depression Survivor

My obsession with having to be a perfect mum also stemmed from the fact that I had always planned to return to work after my maternity leave – but I felt massively judged for this decision. I’ve always worked full time, since I was 18 years old. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort getting to a high-point in my career and I didn’t want to give up this up as I am proud of my achievements.

I had comments made along the lines of , “You’ll Change Your Mind Once The Baby’s Here”, “I Couldn’t Leave My Baby All Day”, “Can’t You Work Part-Time Instead?” “Well You’re Not Really The Maternal Type Anyway.”

However, I wanted to return to work. I enjoyed my job, and there was also the small fact that we needed the money! These comments though – especially “I couldn’t leave my baby all day” lurked in the back of my mind. I wanted to work, so did that mean I wanted to leave my baby all day? If so what kind of mother did that make me? What kind of mother didn’t want to be with her child 24/7?

Of course all of this conflicted with my addiction to being the perfect mum. I was failing my little one already and he hadn’t even been born yet. If I was going to return to work I HAD to prove to everyone and myself that this was the right decision and that it in no way was detrimental to my baby or my ability to be a mother.

So the quest for perfection began. The plan was to have a natural calming water-birth, and I was going to breastfeed. I researched about freshly prepared weaning meals that covered the nutritional needs of my growing baby. I read about how I would get my baby settled into a perfect sleep routine, ready for my return to work.

In my quest to learn more about breastfeeding I attended a group about breastfeeding your baby. I was quite liking the idea of doing combination feeding for when I returned to work or when I was out and about. I wasn’t sure if I’d be brave enough to breastfeed in public. The general theme for the meeting was that EVERYBODY can breastfeed.

They told us a story of how a grandmother had to take over looking after her grandchild as the mother was no longer with them. Even though she’d had her children 30 years before, she was still able to produce breast milk. So they said that women who say “I can’t produce enough milk” were just making excuses. I thought this was a bit harsh, and totally untrue about mothers making excuses. There are plenty of mothers out there who can’t breastfeed because they don’t produce enough milk, or are on medications so they cannot breastfeed. Some have just chosen not to out of personal preference.

I asked about combination feeding (breast and formula). I felt like I was shot down in flames for suggesting such a terrible thing. The whole hour, they drilled into us that breast is best. That there are no excuses as to why you can’t do it.

So that was it. I was going to have to breastfeed. There was no reason why I couldn’t – the midwives had said so.

What could possibly go wrong with that plan? And besides, I had to pull it off – I had to be the perfect working mother.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on mummyitsok.com

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