Getting back to what I love most….

By Ella Taylor

I realised today that I’ve had the opportunity to get to the gym all week. The reason I haven’t been is because I’ve lost my confidence. It hadn’t even occurred to me before today.

That confidence I had before my breakdown was amazing. I’d walk into the gym without a care and walk right up to that bar.

Today I walk into the gym like a lost puppy, desperate to perhaps see someone I know, or for it to be empty.

I go on the treadmill for 10 minutes to warm up. Both power racks are still in use when I’m done. There are a lot of the big bodybuilder types who have arms like tree trunks and legs like matchsticks wandering around, which puts me off even more.

I feel like the new kid at school

I’m shaking. I’m a bloody personal trainer and I’m scared to be in the gym! I feel like the new kid at school who doesn’t know anything.

I’m currently sitting in the changing room willing myself to get out there. I have to do it. For my own sanity. Lifting is my therapy, so if I can’t do this, then I don’t know what I’ll do.

As I walk out I see a rack free and almost run towards it!

I load up the bar, chalk my hands and away I go with my favourite lift – deadlift.

My warmup of 60 kg doesn’t feel half as heavy as I thought it would!

Let’s see if I can remember how I do this!!

60 kg is about as far as I will get today, I think. But at least I’m lifting again!

People are looking

I’m sweating and feeling it after just two sets, but I’m beginning not to care. I know people are looking, or at least that’s what my paranoia is telling me. I can feel a very, very small piece of the old me creeping back though.

The only way to describe how it feels when I’m powerlifting is this: it’s just me and the loaded bar. I don’t think about anything else. The rest of the world just seems to melt away. This was one of the reasons I had my powerlifter woman tattoo last month, to remind me that I have a way to help me get through my dark times when I feel them coming.

I start to feel more confident, and up my weight to 70 kg. This was close to being my warmup weight a few months back, so having it feel so heavy is a bit disheartening. But I know that I can be back to where I was before long.

I’ll get there

The only real problem I’m having is my paranoia. I just feel like everyone is staring at me and judging: ‘Look at her, no clue what she’s doing!’ ‘Look how bad her form is!’

I decide to test my 1 rep max (the largest amount of weight you can lift once) just to see where I’m at. 75 kg felt so heavy. I’ve put 80 kg on the bar. I’m stopping after this, no matter what.

I don’t manage the 80 kg, even though I lifted more than that the first time I ever tried deadlift. If there was ever a good reason (and need!) to get back to daily training, it’s that!

Watch this space.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted on ellasmentalfitness

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