Dear Mother: I love you but hate the unwanted lessons you taught me

By Michael O'Toole

The three most beautiful and empowering words I can think of right now are ‘I was wrong’. Really, truly, deeply knowing that I was wrong has lifted a weight off my shoulders and allowed me a route forward.

Unwanted Lessons

Growing up you taught me many lessons, some positive you intended but you also taught me some key lessons that you did not intend.

1. When you ignored my cries for help, you taught me that my emotions didn’t matter

2. When you ignored me when I spoke you taught me my voice was unimportant

3. When you left me behind in shops you taught me I was not relevant to you

4. When you made me feel guilty you taught me that I was not good enough

5. When you answered questions on my behalf before I had a chance to speak you taught me my thoughts were unimportant

6. When we both grieved the end of your marriage, the departing of my father, and it was I that comforted you rather than the other way round you taught me that your suffering mattered more than mine

7. When you forced me to do things you, as an extrovert would want to do but that I as an introvert wouldn’t, you taught me that being me was a flaw.

The Childs Mind

To my child’s brain all of these conclusions seemed very logical, but I know now that they were wrong. I was wrong. I didn’t even know I had learnt these lessons from you until recently. They were subconscious but have since become ingrained. In short, I learnt that I don’t matter.

With time comes wisdom and greater clarity. I also know now that it is ok to criticise you. As a human we are all flawed, and that’s fine, I no longer need to place you on a pedestal. It’s important I no longer see these as my faults, or failings but as an unintended byproduct of life.

Without other events in childhood, I suspect these lessons would be long forgotten. If my best friend at school hadn’t turned into my bully. If the only girl in my teen years who was genuinely interested in me, and I her, hadn’t left to live in America at exactly the wrong time. Or if dad hadn’t left the family home 8 (yes eight!) times during my formative years – if you hadn’t kept taking him back, as my brother, my sister and I begged you not to.

We couldn’t go through the break ups any more, we needed closure, but the patterns repeated. If the only adult I reached out to afterwards hadn’t shut me out as (I now realise) it was too awkward for him, thus confirming my lack of importance. IF.

Gaining Perspective

Without these and a thousand other events maybe it would all have been very different. Thankfully though, I’ve learnt that what happens is less important than how you interpret what happens:

1. Now that I am a parent I know the fear and pain of thinking that there might be an emotional, or psychological issue with your child. Ignoring the problem was not the best move, but understandable and not a statement of your love or feelings towards me

2. Ignoring me as you still do sometimes is not a sign of my lack of relevance. It happens. It’s life

3. Mothers make mistakes, leaving me behind wasn’t a highlight but again is not a statement of a lack of love

4. You use guilt to get people to do things the way you want them done. There are more than two ways, perfection can’t be attained and we are all flawed. I am good enough, I know this

5. Answering on my behalf is more likely a reaction to my shyness, you thought you were helping me, and showing pride in your son, not belittling me

6. Your grief was strong, and visceral, I was compassionate and caring, torn to the core seeing you so devastated. If we could do it over I know we would both do it differently

7. You’re an extrovert and I’m an introvert and there is nothing wrong with either of those things. Introversion gives me strengths and talents I would not otherwise have.

Rather than think I’m deeply and fundamentally flawed, I have started to be grateful for it.

Conclusion

As a child I drew misguided conclusions and that is a truly beautiful realisation. I want to stress, you are a better mother than the above makes you look, I could write another piece of your qualities as a mother but that is not todays lesson. You are not perfect, I can say this now, and knowing I was wrong, those shortcomings no longer need to be my mental scars.

Being wrong has set me free.

UNITED STATES

UNITED KINGDOM