By Lisa Waugh
People keep saying “You’ve come so far,” or “Look how far you’ve come,” but I still feel like I’m still in the same place. Different, yes, but the same, same situations, same worries and doubts. Still feeling alone, still feeling like I don’t quite fit in. Like there’s a barrier or line between me and everyone else.
Doubting
What is it they see and I don’t? Or am I just better at hiding it? By what measure am I doing better? How do they measure how far I’ve come?
Being honest, I know I’m doing better, I know some things have gotten better. Every now and again I catch myself doing something I never thought I could or enjoying a moment, really enjoying it. But the doubts remain, the thoughts that run through my head are still questioning:
“Am I good enough?” “Do they really like me?” “Am I just useful or giving them something they need at this moment?”
Thinking/believing that they will get sick of me, bored and no longer want to spend time with me. That they’re only around because there is no better option and as soon as someone better/more fun etc. comes, again I’ll be replaced.
What if…
Then I feel bad for thinking these bad thoughts about people, so I end up feeling worse, but so far this has been my reality. It’s hard to trust my own feelings and emotions. What if I believe and then it happens again and I’m alone again or I fail again?
It only takes someone not replying to a message, or my Zumba class being a bit smaller than usual to throw me into a downward spin. My little doubt monsters are unleashed, feeding on any small amount of worry.
Maybe and hopefully this is something I’ll learn to handle and even defeat. No longer allowing the monsters to feed on my fears and doubts. This is something I’m doing better at. I’ve always been fighting and as long as I give myself a moment to catch my breath and recharge my batteries I can keep fighting. Keep improving and keep getting better.
I know I’m beating my depression, the battle with the monsters of poor self-esteem are harder to beat, but I will. And as they say “You’ve come so far …..”
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