By Alan D.D.
There’s a side of depression not everyone seems to be aware of. The whole wretched world thinks they can understand something better than the person actually facing it. They tend to forget that, most likely, our mind starts to cling to whatever gives it a sense of peace and control. No matter what it is. And the longer you keep that one thing safe and sound inside you, that piece of heaven, you may face the possibility of developing your very own Mister Hyde. Just like I did. But am I Hyde?
The line when desire becomes obsession
At that time, there were certain topics that I was interested in. Some have remained, some have changed and others I erased. Vampires, serial killers, religion, music, bands’ history, and the list could go on and on forever and ever. What once represented a refuge for me was slowly becoming a prison.
I started not talking that much, preferring to spend more time alone, not even liking to chat with people, only a few close friends. I created a bubble around myself that would separate me from the outside world. It was good at first, but things changed. I found my depression growing up, ending in a self-harming episode that I still regret.
Of course I was the last one to acknowledge the change. The last one that realized that my likes and the defence mechanisms of my mind were becoming part of the problem. That they were trapping me in a vicious circle that made my situation just go worse than it already was. I had crossed that thin line that divides desire and obsession.
Jekyll and Hyde, hand in hand
The way out of that toxic comfort zone that was killing me has taken me years, and yet here I am, safe and sound, learning from the past and the scars. But I never killed that second Alan. In fact, he’s pretty much alive deep inside. But now he’s behaving, accepting that he has nothing to do beside inspiring me for my stories and my occasional drawings.
After that hell of a youth, I have a lot to tell, a lot to draw and write about. My likes and dislikes have changed a lot, but I’m proud of that process and I embrace the stitches. They are the proof that Alan Hyde took control once. But my Jekyll came back, stronger, wiser, more powerful, and decided to put an end to Hyde’s dominion over my mind. Now, both of them walk hand in hand.
Despite how things could end, I’m whole, I’m complete, and I feel content most of the time. I have my projects, I have my ideas, and slowly, I’m getting nearer to the person I want to be in the future. Hyde is still trying to come back, he screams a lot, and those lungs really know how to do it. But the tables have turned and I am the monster now.
UNITED STATES
UNITED KINGDOM
Leave a Comment