The Life I’ve Always Wanted

By Rachel_12

The Life I’ve Always Wanted

I hold my breath, close my eyes, letting the world close in,
How do I fix my mind, get back my life, please tell me where to begin?
I dream of the life I never had, the childhood memories that never were,
Because she left me, abandoned me, it’s all because of her.

I do blame my mother, for that I have no doubt,
But she is not the sole culprit, it was not just her who walked out,
My father, my dad, I prefer to call him Paul,
Where were you, who are you? You weren’t there at all.

How can one person be so broken, so irreparable?
My moods, my emotions, my outbreaks so variable,
Emotions erupting, those around me feel the force,
Waiting and watching whilst my thoughts run their course.

My emotions take me back to my 7-year-old self,
That little girl learning how to cope all by herself,
No role model, no lessons or advice on how to feel,
How to distinguish between emotions and what is actually real.

Instead the foundations are missing, emotions built on clay,
I cope, I do just fine, releasing my emotions in my own way,
As the blade touches my skin, it’s cold to the touch,
Just one cut, I say, but then I cut far too much.

I’m medicated, in therapy, my thoughts are dulled down,
Without these buoyancies I’d metaphorically drown,
In a room on my own the trust is misplaced,
Because I’d do all I can for my life to be erased.

BPD, my diagnosis, that’s what they say,
My behaviours, my traits, they fit, anyway,
Black and white thinking, impulsive, mood swings,
It starts to make sense of my outbreaks and things.

And with that, a treatment plan was put into place
As I twisted my face and blushed in disgrace,
How on earth did I find myself in this situation?
Being the centre of such an extreme intervention.

At first it was hard, my own worst enemy,
One to ones and dialectical behavioural therapy,
My mind, my head, a complete contradiction
To the life that I dream but in facts and not fiction.

Session upon session, my behaviours they lulled,
No matter how much my emotions pushed and they pulled,
Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation,
They erased my past habits and repelled the temptation.

Each week it was tough, beyond the impossible,
Sitting in group, speaking out was increasingly horrible,
Over time my guard dropped, I committed to therapy,
Taking and understanding each module with more clarity.

But now I have changed, I contribute much more,
I’m far less anxious and depressed than before,
My week, it would be much more turbulent without group,
It gives me that time to reflect and regroup.

Five months down the line, now, where to begin?
I feel like at the age of 24 I’ve started living,
My emotions, thoughts and depressing tendencies,
Are now nothing more than dark memories.

Of course I relapse – I’m far from being cured,
But over time my coping strategies have more than matured,
My extreme lows and extreme highs no longer last months, but days,
I cope much better using tools and more mindful ways.

I now look to the future with more optimism,
As I no longer fall victim to my torturous prison,
My life has direction, I have aspirations and dreams,
I have improved thoughts, emotions and increased self-esteem.

My partner, my fiancée, my future wife,
The future looks bright and I now look forward to life,
Building the family that I’ve always dreamed of,
Creating a life full of happiness and love.

So here I am writing this poem,
My thoughts no longer damaged and no longer broken,
My life has direction and it looks bright,
Just stick with it, fight the demons, and you will see the light.

I broke from the prison of my own mind,
Using tools and advice to eventually find
A life worth living and not taken for granted,
Or I would not now have the life I’ve always wanted.

UNITED STATES

UNITED KINGDOM