My Experience with BPD

By Olivia Johnson

Fear of abandonment.

I’m terrified of people abandoning me and being left completely alone. I often hold grudges against the people who have abandoned me causing relationships to be stressed. The thought of being completely alone for the rest of my life TERRIFIES me. When I leave my house with someone I attach myself onto that person, fearful of losing them, I follow them everywhere and if the say “I’m just going over here..I’ll come back” I panic and either find a reason to follow them even if it means standing outside a bathroom or I’ll freeze where I am and won’t engage with anyone else until they come back while the whole time panicking about if they really are going to come back. I’m terrified of people leaving me whether they change jobs, school’s, courses, friendship groups any sort of change that would impact me triggers me into thinking they’re abandoning me for better people, better friends, better money ect I’ll often say “But if you loved me you wouldn’t leave me” “if you cared enough you would stay” “if I mean anything to you then you wouldn’t leave me”-that’s my inner abandoned child talking.

Unstable relationships.

My relationships are rocky. I find it difficult to maintain relationships with others. But I have a couple of friendships I’ve participated in healthily but very few. I often switch between people or get stuck on one person. Having “friends” who can do no wrong and having “friends” turn into enemies(spliting-black and white thinking ). “I love you” “i hate you” “stay with me forever” “leave me alone forever”. When someone romanticly comes into my life I may like them but the moment they confess feelings towards me I shut them down and automatically hate them(I’m working on stopping that cycle)  I either completely love someone or I completely hate them-theres no in between. I idolize people or despise them. Sometimes I’ll be super nice to someone one minute then super hateful to the same person the next (I’m try to control myself from going from one extreme to the other but sometimes just in moments things go from amazing to horrible and I can’t control how I feel).

Unclear or unstable self-image.

I don’t have a clear understanding of who I am or what I want to do in life. Constantly changing jobs, courses, schools, preferences, identity. I have a love hate relationship with myself it’s like I’m married to myself and one part of me is amazing and good and the other part of me is bad, horrible and evil and my sense of self is conflicted. I am constantly at war with myself.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors.

Impulsively spend money, binge eat, engaging in risky situations that hurt me in the long term.

Self-harm/ Suicidal behavior 

I have regularly engaged in suicidal behavior (since i was in my early teens)and have attempted suicide in the past. I still suffer regularly with chronic suicidal ideation. I haven’t self harm or attempted suicide in 3 months but my left arm is destroyed by scars from cutting and burning regularly since I was 12 and hitting/punching/scratching/damaging body parts since I was a child.

Extreme emotional swings.

Emotionally unstable. Emotions I notice regularly are fear,anger, sadness and joy – constantly switching between them all-very deeply and intensely. The most tiny thing can set me off on an emotional Rollercoaster. Other times I don’t respond appropriately I can be telling a sad story laughing or smiling or showing no emotion and then be telling a happy story crying or with no emotion. My emotions are very controlled outwardly (well i try to keep them controlled)apart from fear and anger. I will often appear fine but am not.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

If I’m not emotional I suffer from chronic emptyiness. I feel nothing-completly numb to anything going on around me. My head feels like it turns into a blank limitless space. Numb to my emotions(happens alot). I can go from feeling intense joy to intense nothingness without anything in my environment changing. It’s like I’m on auto-pilot. When I feel nothing I feel it completely.

Explosive anger.

I get super angry over the most tiny thing. I’ve managed to control a lot of outburst but every so often I’ll explode like a month ago I got upset jumped out of a reversing car and screamed and swore non stop and then walked off emotional and then felt nothing-ness.

Feeling dissociative or out of touch with reality.

I feel super paranoid at night (medication helps take the edge off though) I often become dissociative when reliving a trauma (ptsd) or over thinking too much. And sometimes even randomly feel a floating sensation and feel drugged up and out of it for no apparent reason (dissociation) I have experienced depersonalization and derealization in the past.

Black and white thinking.

Something is either all good or all bad. All or nothing. Amazing or horrible. One extreme to the next. My thoughts and beliefs are very black and white. It is this and completely this or it is that and completely that.Theres very little grey area(working on that). It’s extremely conflicting and sometimes contradictory. Constantly fighting with myself because of my extreme beliefs and thoughts. It’s a disastrous train wreak to live in my mind.
This is what borderline looks like in my world. What about you? Comment below and share your experiences about what BPD looks and feels like in your world🙂

Stay safe❤ sending positive vibes your way!

Picture from @EndTheStigmaBadges on Facebook.

Reproduced with permission, originally published here

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