By Avion Anderson
Many would say that it’s all in my head, that I am the one who is preventing myself from doing just about anything. Such as pursuing other hobbies, accomplishing my goals and moving ahead with my life, rather than blaming it on my bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses.
I lack motivation
In a way they might be right, because even before I was diagnosed, I could have easily taken up another hobby. Although I have yet to figure out which other interests besides writing I would enjoy just as much. As far as accomplishing my goals, I would have to say that I lack motivation and endurance. I can very easily start something, then later forget all about it, once I lose interest and the desire to continue.
Having bipolar disorder, and I guess my other type of mental illness, does create an invisible wall. This prevents me at times from leaving the house, getting up out of bed, cooking, cleaning the house or even going to work, which I have quit, and now work from home. Well I believe that I do, work from home, although it prevents me from doing this too, by putting up a mental block. Especially when it comes to my writing, I often suffer from writer’s block.
It’s so frustrating
Persons suffering with bipolar disorder know very well that it creates a wall so thick, yet invisible, that it feels like our brain is not really there, possibly lost in space, for we don’t feel any motivation or care about anything. It just consumes us and takes hold of our everything. It’s terribly frustrating at times, believe me, to know that I want to do something, but there is just this wall between me and my brain and just about everything else. Literally, not physically, I beat myself up and even shout at myself. I say that I must be the stupidest person in the world, a total failure to myself and others, and why can I not be a normal person like other people?
I struggle each and every day to get out of bed and when the wall is there, getting up is like a cliffhanger, a constant struggle up a mountain and even off the edge. If I do get up, I try to do whatever I can. If I don’t, I have to listen to my mother’s continuous annoyance. She starts to act all petrified, saying that she has a big child living in the house and the place still looks like a pig pen. Since both my folks (my mother and step-father) are over sixty years old and have retired, they now stay at home, enjoying their retirement.
Family expectations
Because I am now at home too, they say I should take on the responsibility of taking charge of the entire household, the cooking (my mother still does the cooking), the cleaning. And that whatever little money which I had saved up, should go to them. For they made lots of sacrifices for me and my siblings and we should be indebted to them for life. Sometimes I want to scream, I know that I should be very grateful, which I am. But because she loves laying all this guilt trip on me, it makes me sick at times, especially when I am having more bad days than good days. I just wish I had the energy to throw myself over the tallest cliff on the island and be done with everything.
My brain needs to reboot
Like I said, having that invisible wall, can be somewhat frustrating. It seems like a curse upon my life, paralyzing my brain, but a blessing all at the same time. For my brain do need a little vacation and to be switch off, so that it can reboot and get back on track. I really can’t stand not being able to do anything for a long period of time.
Having bipolar disorder does in a way create or as others would put it, erect an invisible wall/barrier so thick that it prevents one from even performing their daily task. And it’s REAL.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on avionneslegacy
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