I am currently living with bipolar type 2. When I get my sudden bursts of energy and I see the light surrounding me, I often make irrational decisions. At the time they don’t seem irrational. It’s only when I fall back down that I can sit there and see the cons to my decision.
I see the light and make rash decisions
Around 2 months ago, I got this high and decided I would become a lawyer. I signed up to Open University and began my studies. Seems okay so far? But then I fell. And it hit me what I had actually done. Obviously the process is a lot harder than just doing a degree. That was the last thing on my mind when I signed up. But now, I am at rock bottom.
I am struggling with my full time job, and cannot complete the work. I feel as though I am in a hole. I have written a summary of how I feel, to try and explain to my family and even myself, what this process really is that my brain goes though. This is also my first time ever writing to a blog but I feel as though I need to share, and maybe what I have written can help other people explain.
I fall to the bottom
It’s like a tree. A tall, beautiful, flourishing tree. You climb to the top and all you can see is beauty and opportunity and you are touching the clouds. But after a while you start to climb down. Maybe not the whole way. Maybe just a branch or two at a time. Or maybe you fall to the bottom. Below the tree is a hole. You can no longer see the beauty that you once saw standing at the top. But you can still see the cracks in the branches, to just about verify what you saw.
But then you start to fall, you fall down the hole which is also entwined with branches. You try to grasp onto each one, but before long you can’t hold on and you fall again. Before you know it you have tumbled to the bottom and are exhausted from trying to hold on. You can no longer see the light from the top of the hole or the beautiful picturesque view you saw from the top of the tree. And you just stay there. Until you have a bit of strength to start pulling yourself up again.
Up and down with no in-between
It can be a slow process and you forget all of the beauty. Or sometimes it can be like someone chucking you a rope and you climb back to the solid roots of the tree with ease. You then continue on your journey climbing up, and falling back down. You spend little time just at the base, admiring the roots, where it seems most people choose to stay. But unfortunately you can’t do that.
You can see the light and admire the true beauty from the top, and see the dark depths where the roots no longer reach. Some people get to see what you see, yet some people will never understand. What you see from the top and the bottom of the tree does not define who you are. And you are neither of those people, but that is a part of who you are.
A brave journey
Not everyone will understand this journey your brain continues to take you on whilst climbing up and down, but it is a brave and courageous journey and everyone who makes this journey is stronger than they know.