Everybody says, ” Forgive but don’t ever forget”, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I think it was more important to learn to forgive myself.
Thirteen I was when I lost sight of who I am.
I was so completely shattered that I couldn’t even find a way to put myself back together.
It took me time to realize that people have to change, they have to grow… but I didn’t feel like I was growing into someone I’ve always dreamed of being… I grew up into someone who lives within the darkness.
I didn’t know how to forgive myself
I saw how my smile cracked, how my hands shivered,and how I lost motivation.
I saw how my eyes glistened with tears, how uncomfortable I was with my own skin, how I curled up on the floor for days, and how I couldn’t talk to anyone anymore.
I saw how ashamed I was of myself, how I fell asleep with sins carved into my breath, and how I woke up every day with a boulder on my chest.
I was not myself anymore so I tried and tried to go back to that person I was, but nothing was ever working… I wasted my time trying to regain my past that I forgot I could help myself grow into something bigger if I could only forgive myself, but it was too late.
Everyone around me wondered why I had bags under my eyes, why I didn’t talk as much as I used to, and why I barely smiled anymore, but none of them tried to figure out what the reason was… Their only solution was to get enough sleep.
I was not physically tired.
It was something deeper, something I can feel deep inside, it was something that tells me no hours of sleep will ever help me resolve this exhaustion.
It’s when I figured out that I was mentally and emotionally tired.
He abused and destroyed me
But that was not just it.
Within all that I was going through, I met someone, and I loved him so bad that my survival was connected to his presence.
And here everyone is gonna say, “What’s wrong about love?”
This wasn’t love. This was toxic.
He used me as if I were a doormat for him to step on whenever he comes and goes.
He treated me like garbage and told me I was nothing without him.
He sexually abused me through texts because he wasn’t manly enough to do it in public.
He was not mine…
Why? Because he was seeing someone else right in the time he did all that… during the times he told me he loved me and that I’m important.
When he came up to me and told me, “Carla, I’m seeing someone”, I didn’t feel shocked.
He was not who he was when he introduced himself the first time we met. He was not the man who I fell in love with. He was a toxic person who I allowed to destroy me.
I gave him up and told him to get out of my life, but did I forgive him?
No, and I never will.
He abused me in so many ways that made me think that this is the reality of love… Abusing and shattering.
I’ll never forgive him
It’s been two years and here I am still waiting for him to come and apologize for all what he did to me, but he never will because he thinks he did nothing wrong… like everyone else in my life.
And even if he did apologize, I’m never gonna forgive him.
I’d rather stab him with the knives in my back than allow him to deceive me once again.
He was one of the many reasons for my panic attacks.
And other reasons are my family and school.
Bullied at school, frightened at home
The hardest feeling in life is when the two places I always go to will never make me feel like home.
But I guess we sometimes have to leave our houses to actually find a home.
I was bullied for being too emotional and too sensitive, I was bullied for not speaking my thoughts and for not being as strong as the other girls.
I was never shy, I was socially anxious… always in fear of being judged.
Imagine going to school and everybody calling you names.
Imagine coming home and having to listen to voices that make your body shiver and get uncomfortable.
I looked around but I couldn’t find anyone to take my hand and guide me to where I belong.
But here I am.
I spoke up
Even when I saw the bruises around my heart, I saw how I handled the world, with kindness. How I started to feel deeply and immensely with myself, and how proud I am after I got past the stage of chasing people. I saw how I spoke up and stopped people from treating me like I’m different.
I saw all that after I decided to lay a hand on my heart and forgive myself.
Forgive yourself and not them, is what we all deserve to hear.
I don’t want to hear people saying “Forgive them”.
What they did to you isn’t forgivable.
They killed you. They didn’t help you be who you are today. You did that on your own.
You have the power to be free
So stop trapping yourself for other people’s happiness.
Stop shrinking yourself to give others the space to grow.
Stop allowing yourself to be imprisoned by fear.
Because you still have the power to let your heart settle down.
To cut down the roots that grew within your despair.
You still can dig yourself out of the darkness, still can let yourself be full so that even if they tried to take and take, you’ll keep on growing unconditionally.
And this can only happen if you believe that you and only you can set yourself free.
If someone wants to fix you, walk away
And love is not perfect… It will tear you apart and make you question if you are actually lovable… Sometimes love will feel like it’s intoxication, but sometimes it will make you feel free and happy.
More importantly, you have to remember that you are someone not everyone will know how to love, and when someone asks if they can fix you, just walk away.
You don’t need anyone’s favor.
You can fix yourself, if you only allow yourself to grow and bloom like flowers do during spring.
Remember that broken things can let more light in.