Being told by anyone that you have anxiety is horrifying. But being told by my FRIENDS that I brought both anxiety and depression on by the way I act … well … being blamed for my illness almost killed me. It’s like being stabbed and mutilated by what you considered love and respect … my answer to this painful remark was “Sorry”, followed by me hiding in a corner of a classroom beating myself up because of my stupid!
Being blamed for my illness
People say I trust too much and work too hard. I disagree! I don’t work hard enough and yet I push and push till I am so tired I actually sleep at night. And so much for trust; I can’t even trust myself. And yet I have learnt that those who are closer to you will try and blame you for your illness. But don’t EVER listen to them, because that is like telling someone born with cystic fibrosis that it’s their fault they have that disease. In reality it’s no-one’s fault!
I’m a floater
When I feel low I tell myself I don’t have friends. I say to myself that I’m a floater, floating between a stagnant pool of bullshit covered by a welcoming flower of fake joy that I’m there, and a waterfall of flames so close I get burnt, yet it somehow makes me feel warm and fuzzy. When the day gets too much and I’m scared of the fuzziness but scared of drowning, I bury myself in revision. I’m trying to trick my brain into being busy. It doesn’t usually work… instead I think and sometimes I don’t stop unless I explode.
Anxiety is a parasite
See, the way I see it, anxiety is a parasite that constricts breathing and explodes emotion. To help with the breathing, I have learnt taping allows me to stay in my bubble. This allows me to focus on just breathing. But a setback of this is that I can’t speak properly to people about it.