So many descriptions
Over-dramatic, Cry baby, Attention Seeker, Hopeless, Depressed, Hyper, Crazy, Bubbly, Bipolar, Anger Issues, Clingy, Distant, Aggressive, Pessimistic, Obsessed, Annoying, Anxious, Passionate, Driven, Cold, Nice in small doses.
What an array of descriptive words that have been used to describe my personality at one time or another, after 24 years of diagnosis from recurring depression to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is a diagnosis which holds a lot of stigma and gives the impression of having a broken personality. This is newly named Emotional Intensity Disorder (EID). I believe this is a better description of the disorder, as the condition makes you an acute empath who feels emotions more than the average person.
Diagnosed with BPD – how it feels
What is it to be diagnosed with BPD? For me, the life of everyone else in the world appears almost flatlined in comparison to my own. Something which would make someone else sad makes me so depressed that it feels like my whole chest cavity is empty. Any small thing can trigger this emotion. I can wake up happy in the morning followed by an afternoon of wallowing sadness because of a flittering bad memory. Then I can be so frustrated or angry that I struggle to function. It feels like I have so much pressure in my brain. All I can do is crawl into a ball and cry.
When this happens, I am riddled with so much guilt and I question myself as a person. This is the side of me that most people don’t see. On the other side of the spectrum, I can be so excitable that it feels that no one can keep up with me. This is often followed by paranoia that people are judging me. My passionate drive almost turns into obsession.
Fear of abandonment
One of the key defining symptoms of BPD is the fear of abandonment. And with a string of unstable relationships I struggle to trust anyone. But once I open myself up to someone I get so attached and dependent on them, whether that is with friends or relationships. I hold on tightly to people and try so hard not to grow apart from them. I also get deeply upset and grieve when relationships break down. Then again, those I get most close too I sabotage and push away.
My life feels like a bubble-pop record over depressive lyrics. (Just like my favourite therapy album, After Laughter by Paramore). Just when I feel like I have pulled my life together, it falls apart. It feels like I am trying to hold fine sand within the palms of my hands.