Standing on a bridge, thoughts racing, I prayed for the courage to just let go of the railings and fall backwards. I felt so sure I wanted to die but I couldn’t seem to take that next step. I eventually came down and later that same day was sectioned.
As I struggle with extreme social anxiety being in hospital with strangers was my worst nightmare. I couldn’t stop crying and all the time was cursing myself for not jumping off the bridge. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t jump. I was suicidal, I’d made a decision to end my life. Why couldn’t I do it though?
I didn’t jump
After getting well again and managing the gift/curse of bipolar (I see the good and the bad of it) I finally realised why I didn’t jump from that bridge. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted whatever was going on in my head to die. And lucky for me, something else in my head would not let me let go of those railings. The part of me that knows I can fight this ugly thing called depression.
Today I’m happy
And I’m so grateful that I didn’t jump that day. Because today I’m happy, enjoying life and taking one day at a time.
My heart goes out to victims of suicide and their loved ones. But if you happen to be suicidal and reading this now, please don’t make that decision. Whatever you’re going through will pass (I know it doesn’t feel like it at the time). I don’t know what you’re going through or your situation, but that dark thing in your mind will eventually leave. You just have to keep fighting, seek help and know that you’re stronger than the horrible thoughts that go through your head.