Well, last night I got a text after 10 pm from my mom’s BFF, asking if I had seen or heard from my mother. I answered, “No, not since I dropped her off at her group this afternoon, before I went to the hospital to pick up the heart machine.” “Ohh,” she says. She has not heard a word from her all day. So then the uneasy fight or flight mode kicks in, and now I am all about Mom and worrying where she is and who she has hooked up with, and what is she into?
Mom, are you drinking?
Then at 10:20 she calls me and says, “Hi Joanne, how are you?” in a slurred low voice…
“Mom, are you drinking?”
“No, why do you always assume that….?”
“Ummm, because I am your child and know when you are intoxicated.”
“….Yeah, I had one…”
“Um love ya Mom, but slurring like that you have had more than just one. Why do you feel it’s necessary to lie all the time?” I asked her.
“So, how did it go today with the specialist?”
“Mom, I didn’t see a specialist today. What are you talking about?”
Well now, here she goes …”You said you had a specialist and went to the hospital….”
“No, I said I have to pick up a machine for a sleep test on my heart and lungs before they will send me to see any specialist. Why is it so hard to just pay attention and listen to things people say to you? You are mad at me because I am worried about you, and you are mad at your best friend because she hadn’t heard from you and was worried also!”
Then the rage comes. “Well people can have more than one fucking friend and I’m 60 years old and don’t need to answer or check in with anyone!”
She is heading down that same road once more
Now her BFF and I are the only reasons my mom survived her last self-destructive episode, brought on by booze and her mania. And now she is heading down that same road once more. I am tired and her friend is exhausted. Trying to love and care for her is almost impossible. The last statement I said to her last night was:
“Well you have us all on speed dial to come when you beckon or need all day everyday. Then we don’t hear from you for over 12 hours and you’re mad at us because we care….Mom, that is what family and friends do. They care, but you get mad because you don’t care….you simply are incapable of putting someone before yourself or to be concerned about anyone or anything outside of your needs and wants! Have a good night. I am going to sleep since I am hooked to a heart machine and you could care less so I am done talking for tonight!”
She has no self-control
Today she informs me she is going out New Year’s Eve and spending the night out….great what a kick in the cunt that is too. She won’t come to my house or sleep here with the kids and me but she will go to a stranger’s, snoring, coughing, pissing and shitting in their house! She’s sick, has enough medications to knock out a tribe and she thinks drinking is OK, and god knows, whatever chemicals or substance someone shows or gives to her….she has no self-control. She literally can’t fathom why we are worried or upset. I just can’t keep going through this and being of no consequence or concern to her.
I said, “Merry Christmas,” then I walked out. All the bling and wastefulness to have that rich window-dressed life and she has zero morals or care for anyone or anything else outside of her delusional little bubble!! I hate xmas and my family sucks donkey dicks!!
I do my best to keep her distant
Mom was moved here by me two years ago, when she was kicked out of her boyfriend’s apartment after 18 years together and was over-medicated to the point of nearly dying. Now, I do my best to keep her distant because of the drama and shit show she always creates, but it is Christmas and all she is concerned about is her buzz ons, her entertainment, and her time and nobody else’s.
I have two awesome kids here who can’t even visit Nanny’s without booking an appointment first because who knows what she is doing and who is in her house. She smokes 2 packs a day without cracking a window and 15-20 joints a day, plus Percocet, and all her other maintenance drugs as well….yes alcohol is such a good idea and I must be crazy indeed!!
Complicated to get help
Thank you and all my fellow warriors and friends for being here, because I do not know where I would be or what state of mind I would be in otherwise. I live in a very rural and small town. Going to groups and therapy is complicated when my mother uses and monopolizes all the resources and support available here for outside help.
I know I am a difficult person to understand and love, but watching my mother is so hard, with all her dramatic episodes and being higher than a kite to the point of nodding off several times daily with her head on the coffee table by 2 pm.
I’m trying to do my best and enjoy my time with my kids and the holidays with them….Megan is watching “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” my BamBam is at his friend’s house playing PS3 and Xbox, since it is colder than hell here and blowing snow everywhere. I’ll never think you are out of line no matter what you say and how you say it, as long as it is what I need to hear…..I can take criticism much better than my mother.
It takes so much out of me
I can’t handle someone baiting me and projecting their own shit onto me because they can’t handle the truth or being told they are in control and are their only problem. It takes so much out of me daily to navigate through her madness, manage my life with the kids and stay as calm and stress-free as possible, but I walk away now and have learned a few new coping skills. And you’ve all become part of my coping strategy.
I don’t yell and scream at her and I don’t lose my shit. I simply tell her I love her and walk away….I’ve never been able to do that before, but I am learning and on a journey of self discovery every single day. I just wish for once she could be content and OK without the booze, drugs, men, flying monkeys and material things. I have tried my whole life to get her to understand it is her inside that needs to be fixed and that nothing will fill that hole until it is.
Everything is a choice
It’s probably where I get my level head and outlook on things from, but we all have the power to take our lives into our own hands….everything is a choice, and just like I tell my kids, “While you are free to make any choice you like, you are not free from the consequences of your choices.”
I live simple, stay humble and do not let money rule my world. I’m not taking any meds, from being highly sensitive to pharmaceuticals and having a touchy liver from an allergic reaction to Celebrex for arthritis. I don’t drink because, well, my liver, and I don’t make the best choices while intoxicated, lol. It’s fun as hell and a very good ride, I am told, but the crash almost kills me afterwards. I’m not dating. The last guy I let my walls down for was also a narc, and now he’s fucking my then 17-year-old niece who is turning 21 in July, while he is turning 45…..
I need support now
So this is what brought me to NFLD and the escape from all the shit and narcs in NS from my ex’s side of the family. It was a life-altering moment, and I swore would never let anyone use my heart for their personal gain and keep me in tow for the perks that came from it…….never again, and my mom will be no different. I just forget and need support now in order to keep on the good fight…..I’ve never been in a psych ward or totally lost my shit for no reason. I have however gone batshit nuts on the ones who needed it from time to time. Luckily I was never arrested lol.
I’ve been letting her crash and burn for most of my life and been there to help her pick up the pieces each and every time. $10,000 dollars she blew moving here and buying things, she blows thousands every month on horse shit and stuff to impress people she doesn’t have, and it truly drives me insane.
She’s acting like a college frat girl!
She is out of income now until Jan 18th, and if anything were to happen to her suddenly, she has no savings or anything and her funeral is out-of-pocket. No retirement money when she is 65 if she makes it, and that is hard not to think of on days like today when she’s acting like a college frat girl!!
Once, she packed all she owned, put an empty envelope in the machine and withdrew 1000$ she didn’t have, stayed in the Royal York in Toronto in one of the most expensive rooms they had, then the next day jumped on a train from Union Station to NB to suddenly meet and reunite with my real father whom she had left in 1981, when I was 5, in the same manner.
Things that no child should ever hear
She told me later in life that when she left my father she screwed the captain on the way across on the ferry before we even hit the mainland, which would’ve been mere hours after she just plucked her two children, 5 and 7, and was moving them across the country to a place she had never been to. She had no idea what would happen to us once we landed there. No child should ever hear some of the things she has said and shared with me. And no-one should have to hear those things about their own Mother while she has the “red carpet grin” on her face like she won an Oscar!!
Deer Island, she spent $10,000 on furniture again in 2010, and she went back to Toronto 6 months later once again…..I left NS on March 20, 2015, the Spring Solstice, and she came in December with the Winter Solstice. I am her last resort and last person who hasn’t completely given up on her, and my sister, the golden child, has no clue this part of my mother even exists or why we have not spoken in over 20 years. MY mom has triggered an emotional train wreck for me here today, and thank god I type and my kids hear nothing said, good or bad.
I am not crazy
I need to know I am not crazy, and I work very hard to keep myself as stable as possible for the kids. It’s a very hard thing to do indeed, and without this reinforcement I would think it was me and carry the burden of the family shame once more on my already weighted shoulders. I take no meds and do not drink, because it is a huge trigger and never leads me to a good place.
I’m working so hard to be here and in this state of mind. But she is like an emotional vampire, as most narcs are, and she is my mom. So it is hard as hell to go no contact, when she moved here so I can care for her until she dies. So, so hard on me today and I wanna curl under a rock and cry, but Jojo doesn’t do that sappy crying shit….
Why must every day be this hard?
I get angry and rage, so I must watch my reactions today and will probably only respond within my own posts today as it hasn’t gone well communicating with others because my life and situation has been so different from most others.
I just don’t want the “It’s all my fault” feeling because Mommy’s angry and can’t get her own way….She is like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, and next thing she will be moving again, or threatening to: another famous tactic of hers to trigger my abandonment issues. It’s all about Mom.
Why oh why must every day be this hard? Why can’t I hibernate until the holidays are over?