I’ve touched on my fear of uncertainty before. The not-knowing has the ability to deflate me and provoke an intense emotional reaction.
Here I am, telling you to look me in the eyes and tell me everything you dislike about me. Be brutally honest about why you never want to see me again. Just please don’t leave me to make my own conclusions. Please, don’t do it to anybody, but especially not to a person with an anxiety disorder.
This blog is about honesty and to be honest, boys can be shitty sometimes. But I want to be clear; this story I’m about to share is not about heartbreak or a guy who is greater than fricken sliced bread. I am sharing this experience to show you how anxiety can quickly spiral into depression.
So, there’s a boy
Let’s call him… George? Sure. George.
I start talking to George: Texting, phone calls, etc. We find out we have a lot in common and he asks me out. Alright, so George is into me. This is great. I see George almost every day for 2 weeks, and I’m sure that I haven’t laughed or smiled this much in months. He expresses his feelings, in that he thinks “We could be something special” and “Though it feels we are moving fast, its okay”. Even better – we are on the same page. At least I thought we were.
One day, I don’t get a message from George. That’s okay, maybe he’s busy. OH BUT, he’s on snapchat and instagram – so now I’m confused. Side note: Dating is NOT what it used to be. You won’t get it, mom. I don’t even get it. Just try to follow along.
My brain starts going into overdrive
So naturally, my brain starts going into overdrive. I start overanalyzing every single thing I’ve done and every word that has come out of my mouth in the last 24 hours. I drive myself literally insane trying to figure out why the hell George isn’t returning my calls. But hey, I’m fine because no boy is going to affect me like that. So, I’ll just go to bed, I’m sure he’ll reach out to me in the morning.
EXCEPT HE DOESN’T.
George doesn’t talk to me for an entire week. Saturday to Saturday. No word from George… Mom, this is what we young folks like to call “ghosting”.
What could I have done wrong?
I was forced to come up with answers to all my questions because as an anxious person, I sometimes need things painted out for me in black and white. As I came up with bizarre reasons as to what I could have done wrong, I was constantly putting myself down. I experienced almost every emotion you could imagine as my anxiety quickly threw me into intense sadness. The fact of the matter is, when someone shows you that you’re insignificant, it’s hard not to believe that you are. All because George was too much of a coward to tell me that he didn’t want to see me anymore. And why? Because HE wasn’t ready for commitment.
This had nothing to do with me. I just spent (whatever 24 hours X 7 days is) reflecting poorly on myself when this wasn’t even about me.
Now comes the question I’ve only heard 4 different times: “Why are you so upset about him? You’ve only been seeing him for a few weeks.”
My brain tried to destroy me
I’m not upset about him. I’m upset because for an entire week, my brain tried to destroy me and my mental health was sabotaged by someone who didn’t even know how fragile my mental health could be. I was made to feel worthless. I cried far too many tears and made myself feel sick with anxiety. I’m upset because his own fears made me question my self-worth.
I don’t care for gossip and I definitely don’t care if there are parts of me you don’t like or understand. I’m not afraid of being disliked – I can deal with your opinions – because quite honestly, I’ve said worse things about myself than anyone ever could.
So, if you want to walk out of my life, walk faster. I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t want to be here. But please, just tell me why.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted on Welcome to my Teenage Brain