I’m Not Okay, But I Will Be
By Gabriela

I haven’t been okay in quite a while. I like to paint a smile on my face and pretend I’m invincible, like I have all of the answers, but that’s not true. I still struggle, and I still hurt. I still get the living shit beat out of me by depression and anxiety disorder. I’m not okay right now.

I haven’t laughed for a long time and truly meant it

It’s been a long time since I laughed and truly meant it. Like, really meant it. You know, that feeling when a huge ball of laughter just throws itself out of your mouth. It’s good to sit there giggling uncontrollably, and if you’re lucky, you’ll even start to cry a little bit. Oh, how I miss that joy.

Life for me changed in 24 hours

My whole entire life has been rocked in a matter of 24 hours. I’ve had to deal with just about every type of pain and I’ve cried enough tears to fill an ocean. There are bags the size of golf balls and discolouration of sadness under my eyes that make me look as though I’ve aged 10 years overnight. I feel both helpless and hopeless, and for a few moments, about 15 times a day, I start to think I will never feel happiness again.

Clinical depression is not just being sad

Depression is not just being sad, it’s feeling as though your world has turned from colour to black and white. It’s believing that your life has no other purpose than to simply feel worthless. You begin to feel numb to most things and it becomes harder to force a smile or fake a laugh.

Depression is not “hearing bad news and then crying about it.” Depression is being unable to hear the good news. It’s when your entire life becomes small. You don’t feel in control of your life anymore, and you start letting it destroy you. In your life you stop wearing make-up, and you don’t brush your hair. Changing into jeans feels like too big a task, so you wear the sweats you slept in – again. You eat poorly or not at all, and then suffer from exhaustion because of it.

Having people who perform tough love is important

I’m lucky to have my parents because they are the perfect combination of comfort and tough love. I have learned that it is okay not to be okay. Hell, I’ve got it tattooed on my ribs. They allow me to feel my sadness, and I am encouraged to embrace it. I allow myself to take the time to heal myself. This usually means that I take a day off of school, take a long bath, write some music, and watch my favourite show. I take the time to relax, reflect on myself, and take care of both my body and mind.

However, there are times where I can take advantage of this simply because I am sad, and I make it an excuse to be lazy and feel sorry for myself. Thankfully, my parents know this, and know that this kind of behaviour won’t be beneficial to anyone. So, I get a good swift kick in the ass (not literally) and get myself back to reality.

Moral of the story

You’re not going to be okay all of the time. You may not even be okay most of the time. However,  you WILL be okay. Allow yourself to feel sad and take a day off, but then grab your support, let them steer you in the right direction, and get back to it. Depression is a bitch, and we stand up to bitches.

Reproduced with permission, originally posted here

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