Dear monkey, I am learning to beat you
By Acacia

Dear Monkey,

Why me? Why did you have to choose me? Do you have to sit on my shoulder 24/7 muttering away in my ear? Why do you have to make me over think and over analyse everything I do?

Please can you just go away, please can you just leave me alone? Please, stop muttering away in my ear.

Do you realise how you make me feel when you appear? I feel awful. I feel emotional. I’m happy one minute, sad the next. I feel like I am out of control of everything, even you. My heartbeat is so rapid, I feel like I am going to die, I feel like my heart is trying to escape my chest, escape from you. I sweat, I shake, I panic, I get a bad stomach, I can’t breathe.

Dear monkey, I am learning to beat you

Just let me breathe, please!

I wish you didn’t exist, Monkey, I wish I was normal like everyone else. If only I could flick you off my shoulder so I can just be my old self again.

I know you mean well, I know that sometimes it is all in my mind, but I just can’t stop you from appearing. Even when I’m smiling or laughing, doesn’t mean you’re not hovering over me, it’s just a front I have to put on every single day because of you.

You keep me awake in the night

My mind ticks over and over and over, repeating and thinking the same thing. I can’t sleep. I want to sleep. I’d absolutely love to sleep. I miss it, but I can’t! I’m awake listening to you Monkey.

I want to have a normal social life, but you have to make it ten times harder than what it should be. Eating in a restaurant, I’m still thinking of the ‘what ifs’ that you are planting in my head. I can’t make new friends, can’t go out drinking and stroll in early hours like normal young adults do. I’m struggling with a social life, no matter how small it can be. Please let me have a social life Monkey, please?

Why do you appear at work? Out of all the places it has to be at work! Why? It’s only a meeting, only a conference, only a course. I’m only sat at my desk, but you have to appear and make me feel awful. You have to give me a bad stomach, lose my appetite, make my heart pound and be uncontrollable. It’s just work. Why appear then?

I’m fed up of you, Monkey

You made me lose friends throughout the process of sitting on my shoulder. But, I guess if they were friends they would have understood you, and accepted me for who I am and will forever be. I know you are a part of my life for now on. I’ve just got to accept you, as there is no escaping you in all my life chapters. I know I can beat you Monkey, if not I know I can learn to cope with you.

And that’s just what I am going to do. I’ll try anything.

So hi Monkey, welcome to my life that I will share with you but under my terms and conditions. You will NOT take control and rule it forever!

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