By Lou Bell
But you don’t look unwell
I am a mum and a wife. I have ADHD and ASD, and some of my children have inherited these conditions as well. Every day is a battle. A battle to stay calm, to stay focused and to stay positive… and that’s just me, never mind the children! My mind says one thing, my mouth says another, sometimes I can’t tell what either is going to do because I’m so confused. When this happens I keep my trap shut. Others around me may find me odd or even rude. I’m only doing it for their own good. On the outside I am strong and calm. On the inside I’m a confused blubbery mess, but it’s better that no one knows about my mental health. After all, I don’t look unwell, wouldn’t want to annoy anyone would I?
It’s happening… right now
My life is a hurricane.
It’s always been a storm.
I have been a victim of every type of abuse since I can remember. So much so, I can’t remember half of it clearly.
What’s happening NOW… I want to die.
I’ve tried talking, but it doesn’t help. I have tried calming, relaxation, tried to explain that it’s more than a feeling.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but not like this.
This is a compulsion.. I’m fighting it so hard.
I’ve got family who care, I’ve got people to talk to, but they also have so much crap flying around their lives, I don’t want to burden them.
I’m afraid, I made promises. I promised my children, they are my world. I promised so many times.
Right now though, I don’t know if I can keep this promise.
I don’t know where to go for help, I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment. It’s late at night. I want to die.
I can’t or don’t see a way forward. I’ve been treated cruelly, living with a tyrant.
I have to leave, but I’m in no state to go anywhere. If I went to my family it would just make their problems worse.
How do I get through this dark dark night, broken, lied to, used, abused?
I hope someone somewhere helps me.
My monkey mind
I suffer with general anxiety disorder and panic attacks. It is the worst feeling ever, experiencing this. I don’t really know why I suffer with it, but I know I’ve had it for years. I hate the unknown, anything new pops my comfort bubble. I’m aiming to create awareness of mental health through my blogs and share my experiences with everyone.
I started a blog page called ‘My Monkey Mind,’ to share my experiences of my mental health, to try and create more of an awareness about mental health and to enable people to feel not alone. My mum and I have named my anxiety and panic attacks ‘the monkey.’ The one who always plays tricks on my mind, makes it over think, irritates and mumbles in my ear all the time, and then triggers off my anxiety and creates a panic attack. I’m determined to overcome this or at least learn to cope with it.
Learning to Love Myself
I was very young, the first time I started to be depressed. I was around 12 years old when I used to sit in the darkness for 3 to 4 hours in my room, sometimes pretending I have someone to talk with, with my pink plastic fake phone.
To be honest, I had a pretty rough childhood; poverty, abandonment, a bit of psychological abuse and later in life, sexual abuse. But I always suspected there was some tendency inside me towards low mood and depression, some persistent nostalgic mood that has made me feel like an alien all my life, like I don’t fit anywhere in this world.
Maybe my depression was only the consequence of the lack of so many things in my early life. But I do believe depression is a multifactorial condition, and sometimes, even having everything, you can still feel depressed, lost and lonely.
I have been fighting all my life, above all with the perception of other people that trying to help means telling you things like “You need to be positive,” “Stop being so negative,” etc. Luckily for me, I can say now that things like mindfulness, love of nature, the love of some friends, and a lot of different therapies, have really made me feel different.
I still feel depressed some days. I still feel that I don’t fit sometimes. But somehow, I arrived to a peaceful place inside me. I can say that I really love me and that I truly believe that love towards me, and acceptance of myself with all my good and bad things, is the “magic potion” that is helping me discover this world with new eyes.