Looking back over my life now, I can recall the very first time I felt so anxious I had to run, it was as simple as that. My Mum had recently passed away, I was 10 years old and at a Christmas Church Service through school. My heart began pounding, I felt sick but most of all I felt trapped. I just got up and ran outside, I was gasping for breath, I thought I was going to die. It’s still a battle that never seems to end.
Hidden from my family
I didn’t want them thinking I was being needy. So I just bottled it all up inside and plodded on through life, despising myself.
By the time I was 20 I was married with two young children and for a good while things were great. I’d still get anxious from time to time but kept pushing it away. Then out of nowhere what felt like a “black cloud” began hanging over me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.
Still I kept my feelings hidden from family, friends and work colleagues from fear of being pitied. At the age of 26 my GP described Prozac. I am currently still taking this medication at the age of 49.
Over the years the depression comes and goes, but more recently the anxiety has upped its game to such an extent I’m unable to leave the house for weeks at a time. Recently I was prescribed Mirtazipine and to be honest I don’t feel they really help, but I’m afraid to stop taking them.
I’ve finally opened up
Over the past seven years I’ve finally opened up to family and friends about my illness. Some folk really understand while others say “I’m at it” this hurts me deeply and makes me feel even worse about myself.
To have a site like this makes a huge difference to me. I know I won’t be judged but be understood and for that I’m truly grateful. There is so much stigma around Mental Health but as the years have gone by I’ve noticed it’s being highlighted in a more positive way.
To feel that you are alone and misunderstood is the worst feeling in the world. Suicidal thoughts make you believe everyone around you would be better off if you were gone.
Having the courage to speak to one person can make all the difference. Just to know you’re not alone with these horrible thoughts and feelings was enough to make me want to speak out.
I guess all I’ve got left to say is even in your most deepest, darkest moments try not to give up hope. Try not to fret about the future. Just get by the next five minutes, half an hour, an hour, a day, just take baby steps.