I have mentioned before about how I feel like my mental health issues are my Angel and my Demon. They sit there, one on each shoulder, with me all the time.
My Angel is the logical, positive me that wants the best for me and fights for it.
My Demon is very very different. It is the worst, darkest, most harmful part of me, with its dark thoughts, feelings and emotions.
My Demon is this
“I’m fat and disgusting!”
“I am an awful human being!”
“Everyone hates me!”
“I am a crap mother, daughter, friend…”
“I’d be better off dead!”
It’s these thoughts that make my Demon so deadly.
I always say that my Demon is with me and I believe he always will be.
There may be times where he is smaller and not so intense but he is always there. He doesn’t just disappear. He’s a part of me. He might be a part of me that I really don’t like or want at all but I have to accept that to some extent he will always be perched on my shoulder waiting for me to slip. I have to accept he might have – and still might – drag me to some pretty awful places, but I can’t live in denial. I have to accept he is there, along with my Angel, and live my life.
Admitting my Demon is there
My Demon is really not nice – hence the name. He does enjoy tormenting me, ridiculing me and reminding me of all the awful things that have happened in my past. He convinces me that I am a terrible person. But I can’t pretend he is not there. That never helped. I have to admit he is there and put strategies in place to live with him. He will no longer rule my life. To do this I have to keep him under control. I have to work hard every single day to build up my Angel. Focus on being the Amy I want to be. The happy, positive Amy.
It’s a full-time job managing all of this, believe me. It’s hard work. If I take my eye off the ball for too long my Demon pounces, taking advantage of my stress or exhaustion and growing bigger and bigger leaving me with an even bigger battle to face.
Mindfulness, meditation, yoga and general self-care do help but again it’s something I have to convince myself it’s ok to actually do these things first – which is another battle! I do really try to keep doing these things a few times a week at minimum. It’s weird but I know my Demon hates it so it’s like I’m sticking two fingers up at him – which does make it that little bit easier to do and very satisfying!
I’m no longer ashamed of my Angel and my Demon
A few years ago I would never, ever mention that I have my Angel and my Demon. I would have been embarrassed, ashamed and felt like a bit of a freak if I’m honest! Now however, I am not ashamed. I have spoken about them to friends and family members that I trust and they have never laughed or ridiculed me. In fact quite the opposite. It’s made them understand me and my illnesses a little more which can only be a good thing.
If you are battling that Demon today then please keep going. Take a walk, a bath or an exercise class. Read a book or another form of self-care that might work for you. Go on, your Demon will hate it!
Take care, stay safe.
Lots of love