The other day, my friend told me, “We weren’t supposed to feel like this.” You see, we are both currently struggling with anxiety and depression. We are both waiting for night to come, to sleep. My friend added, “We weren’t supposed to be suffering. No one is supposed to be unhappy for no reason, and we deserve peace and happiness.”
I Didn’t Believe for a Long Time I Deserved Happiness
This struck me more than she probably realised, because part of me didn’t believe that I deserved happiness for a very long time. Anxiety and depression became so intertwined with my identity. It’s what people know me as, and I assumed I was always supposed to be unhappy. I didn’t realise that I deserve peace.
A Part of Me Believed I’m Supposed to Struggle with Mental Health
I told others that I was still trying to improve, and I think part of me really believed it. Looking back now, I think it wasn’t the whole truth. A part of me believed that I’m supposed to be that daughter who struggles with mental health. I’m supposed to be the friend that is anxious all the time. I also thought, I’m supposed to be that girlfriend who is insecure and seeks reassurance. Part of the reason behind those identities, is probably my anxiety and depression.
It’s not okay though. I hate it.
I Don’t Deserve to be Unhappy
Now, I wish I could turn back time and figure it out sooner. Maybe then I would still have people around me that left. Maybe then I would be a bit further in life. I don’t deserve to have anxiety and depression, to be unhappy and I don’t deserve creating issues in relationships when there is no reason for them to be rocky. I don’t deserve living in drama, I deserve peace. It isn’t wrong for me to want happiness.
How I wish I’d realised this sooner. I’m trying really hard to move forward, trying really hard to let go and trying really hard to breathe.
I Can Do It
I can do it, I know I can. It’s time I realise that I deserve this, I freaking deserve it! I realise I can still be the girl that I thought I could be, that I can be that friend that people deserve. It’s time to be that girlfriend that he deserves.
I can do it! My reasoning? Because I owe it to myself. I just hope I have the chance to prove it.
It Was A Shock for Me To Realise I am Worth It
This was good to shock me, realising that the way I was living wasn’t okay. Now I need you to give me a chance to prove my determination, because I can.
I’m freaking worth it!
Reproduced with permission, originally published here