For me, part of having BPD means having a difficult time believing people when they compliment you, tell you they love you, or when they say they care about you. It is accompanied by feelings of total isolation and paranoia. So, I thought I’d write a piece describing how I experience paranoia.
Sometimes I Feel the Ones I Love Want to Destroy Me
I sometimes feel like the people I love the most are the ones who are secretly out to destroy me. I overanalyze every word and every movement. If I feel slighted or feel someone wasn’t as “loving” as they were to me yesterday, then I automatically deem them liars. My thoughts are, they never cared about me, they hate me and think I’m stupid and annoying. My mind becomes filled with distorted thoughts about the people closest to me. I begin to devalue everyone and hide myself up in my room to stay away from them. For in my mind, I am nothing but a burden to the people around me.
I Am Secretly Worried People Hate Me
I’m always worried that people secretly hate me, but sometimes I go through bouts where it’s 5x more intense than just plain worrying. During the extreme periods of paranoia, I become filled with rage, loneliness and fear. I will close everyone out for a while, and sometimes say things I don’t mean. Sometimes I act in very hurtful and unloving ways. When my thinking is that distorted, I begin to hate myself the most.
Paranoid Thoughts Are One of the Most Troubling Symptoms of BPD
The paranoid thoughts that everyone is out to get you, can be one of the most troubling symptoms of BPD. Your guard is constantly on high alert, and when triggered, the people around you become your worst enemies.