It is hard to fight constantly, day in day out, when your mind is a war zone. Fighting for the good things in life but the enemy that is mental illness, fights with all its power to keep you trapped. Sometimes you have to surrender and say ‘I will try again tomorrow’.
Days like today I felt like I was lost on the battlefield. I woke up and instantly I was searching, searching the depths of my own mind, desperately trying to find out how I was feeling.
Was there a possibility that I could find the path to sanity?
Why was I feeling trapped?
Why was I feeling this way? Hours passed and still non the wiser as to where I was. Was I safe? Was I dreaming? Has the battle ended? I did not know.
Still, I am unable to process if I am taking part in the battle. I don’t know how long this will last and not knowing whether I will be an active participant any time soon is scary. I feel trapped, alone, numb and in a haze. Conversations with other people are kept to a minimum because nothing is sinking in. Sentences are just words, no meaning, just letters.
Trying to acknowledge where this has come from is frustrating and difficult. Is it because of the nightmare during the night? Is it a symptom of depression? Or is it a combination? I don’t think I will ever know. For now I will continue to use my coping techniques to try to bring myself to the here and now. From past experience though, the track record isn’t as good as I would like.