Silence as a warning
By Hannah Robyn

I know I’m getting bad again when …

All I want to do is sleep.
I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, despite my eight hours.
I miss washing my hair for the fifth day in a row.
I think of drinking to shut out the thoughts.
I stop physically socialising, and answer with the polite reply, ‘I’m fine’ to anyone that asks.
I consume more coffee than I do food.
The thought of a day fills me with dread.

I stop crying.
I start ruminating about ‘stuff’.
I fantasise about my own death, planning it and playing it out in my mind day and night.
I have deliberate self-harm thoughts and actions.
I start organising and tidying, setting up plans.
There’s silence or non-communication with loved ones.
I don’t return emails.
I decline social events. Isolation.

How can I admit it?

All of these are red, red flags. I’m ashamed to say I’m pretty much there. But the difference is I am aware. Therefore I am empowered to reach out. But the difficulty is being honest.

I’m so ashamed, I often find it hard admitting this is what is going on, so I deny it to myself until I can’t bear it any longer.

How can I admit these things?

How do I tell my family how I’m really feeling without piling on the guilt and worry?

Answers much appreciated!!

Reproduced with permission, originally published here

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