By Marty Owens
“There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home”
Cinematic Orchestra – ‘To Build A Home’
As everybody who reads this blog knows, I have a weekly therapy session with my psychologist. This has been helping tremendously, but sometimes that just is not enough. Sometimes I need a daily reminder and earlier in the week I gave myself that reminder………… the above tattoo.
After all, like everybody who may read this….. I am only human! (Right?) But for reasons unknown to me…….. I quite often forget this.
OK, I need to be honest with you….. The reasons are not really unknown ….. Who am I kidding????? I know the reasons and there are many more than this….
These are just a few of the bigger reasons why I forget that I am human………….. (Now you need to understand, these are the thoughts I deal with and am yet to be able to control. They have nothing to do with how you treat or interact with me).
1. I feel as though I am the only who feels this way. Though that statistic says 1 in 4 will deal with a mental illness, quite often I feel as though I am the only one who is miserable. Everybody seems so much happier than me.
2. Always feel as though I am judged by everybody…… and quite often judged negatively. Though my psychologist tells me every session, that most people are too caught up in their own little worlds to be judging me, I just can’t get over my own perceptions.
3. To go along with number 2, I deal with the unending feeling that nothing I can do will ever be good enough. It will never be good enough for me, for reasons that are truly unknown, and never good enough for anybody else because of the insane wiring of my brain. In my head, I can never be what people want me to be or be the person I perceive they want me to be. I am not sure where this idea of perfection came from, but for some reason I cannot stop striving for it.
4. Because of number 3, I have never been able to enjoy anything in my life. Even today this continues, despite therapy and medication! I finished a triathlon in 6th overall and 1st in my age group but nearly went home because I felt my performance was not worthy of standing on a podium. Because of one leg of three being a little off, I felt I let people down because it was not the best possible race I could have put out there. I want to enjoy it…….but I don’t know how.
5. And in the immortal words of my favorite television character (Dr. Gregory House). “I like being alone, at least I convinced myself that I am better off that way”. This ties the other four points together, yet it is still just the tip of the iceberg into the warped wiring of my brain. I’ve a feeling number 5 will need a post soon as it will take too long to explain now! I have to keep you readers coming back for more!
I can assure you that through therapy and medications, I am working through this and I am improving but it is still a work in progress. And putting this out there is very therapeutic for myself, where some may see it as embarrassing but if I cannot be honest with myself I cannot get better!
In addition to the tattoo the big guy in the picture below has also been a great reminder that I am only human!
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here