Insecurities - all my flaws
By Sophie Ann

I get ready for my shower: marshmallow wash on the side, hair products beside it, mint green scrub to wash my legs, towels sprawled over the radiator, moisturiser propped on the washing basket.  Stripping off my travel clothes, I pull out my ratty hair and observe the misted reflection I see in the shower window and all my flaws.

I mentally name all my flaws

Studying my body up and down, I mentally name all my flaws, and there are a lot.

Chipped nail varnish on the tips of my toes
Fading grey scar on the left foot
Stubbly legs with uneven tanning
Multiple scars on the thighs
Fat thighs at that
Hips too wide
Butt weirdly big
Scars circling my stomach and sides
Fat torso
Huge boobs with stretch marks
Very bad tan lines
Little moles on shoulders
Too broad shoulders
White dots on my arms
Burn scars on my hands
Fat stubby hands
Spot scars on face
Weird eye colour
Too large lips
Small ears
Odd eyebrows
Ratty hair
Dye fading
Dark tired circles around eyes
Bags under eyes gradually growing

I don’t know who I am anymore

I’m feeling like I have self-prosopagnosia.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I cannot say that I recognise this figure I see in the mirror, I feel like a stray soul in a random body.  Maybe it’s because I’m so disgusted by all my flaws.  Maybe I don’t want to see what I see anymore, I want to see someone 100% different.

But maybe one day someone will see a nice figure, a nice smile and nice legs.  Maybe they’ll see the polar opposite of my vision and maybe I’ll love their flaws too.

Perhaps I should just shower blind, maybe I should just not buy mirrors…
Maybe I’ll live in a non-reflective world.

Reproduced with permission, originally published here.


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