Following “its the waiting… loving the depressed.”
“I’m rubbish”. Your mantra. The words you say if you’ve fallen asleep after dinner. The words you’ll say when getting out of bed is just too much, at least for ten more minutes.
You aren’t rubbish, I reply. I’ll keep replying.
It almost feels routine. It isn’t. Despite what your head says, you are not rubbish. You are ill. You love me and you love our child. Heck, you even love our grumpy pet. We all love you. Ill doesn’t make you rubbish. Your ill makes you fight every day. Your ill makes you think we’d be better off without you. Your ill is lying to you.
I don’t know if telling you you are rubbish makes your black dog smaller. I don’t know if I help at all. Just know this, you are not fighting alone. I will be there. Cheering on the positive you. If I have to, I’ll be the angry old lady – I can swing my handbag down quite hard on the word rubbish.
Everytime you say, “I’m rubbish” I want to cuddle you. I want to show you the look our child gives you when they wake up and see you. I want to be able to bury you in my arms, to place the warmth of my love round you. I want to hold you and squeeze the black dog out of you. I wish I could squeeze it out and lock it away.
I know it doesn’t work that way.
You arent rubbish. I know you are using energy fighting. Fighting that feeling that never goes away. Despite what you think, I’m waiting. Waiting to click size 0 on the words, “I’m rubbish”.
Just hold onto this, please, you are not rubbish. You are fighting a battle, but one day you and I will win the war. You are strong. You are the love of my life.
That love? That love means I’m not “putting up with you”, I’m not just there for when the war is won. That love means I want to stay, I want to help, I want to help you win. Yes, there will be days I find it hard but trust me, if it means you getting better, I would do it all over again.
You don’t love yourself right now. I love you so much right now. My heart bursts with pride – you got up, you dressed yourself, you played with our child, you smiled. That smile.
I will always love you.