I relapsed this week and it has been hell. A combination of different things triggered it for me. There has been a lot going on that has been out of my control. Instead of working on the things I can control, I have been allowing this out of control feeling to wreak havoc with me and my emotions.
When there is a lot going on that I feel negative about in my life, I tend to distract myself with food or Netflix or something, instead of just taking responsibility of my feelings and dealing with them. Sometimes it is so difficult to recognise these feelings before they begin to spiral though, and that is what I am trying to work on every day.
Relapsed – I don’t want to die
At the start of this week, suicidal thoughts were starting to creep in. This is when I know I need to get help and support ASAP. I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to feel the intense emotional pain anymore. And the depression convinces me that the only way the emotional pain will end would be if I wasn’t here anymore. It convinces me that I am a burden to all my friends and family because I am depressed. It convinces me that this is how I will feel for the rest of my life – and who would want to love me if this is the way I am? How will I be able to bring my own children into the world when I can’t cope with life?
The anxiety will start to kick in and tell me that this mental illness is going to ruin my life, that I am probably going to lose my job over it and then get in a mountain of debt. Then I’ll become homeless and live alone then eventually die alone, so what is the point, end it all now. Stop the misery in its tracks and just end it. Writing these thoughts down exactly how they come into my head makes me realise just how ridiculous and irrational they are, but in the moment, they are so real and I 100% believe all of it. So it gets extremely difficult to calm down, and to realise that it is all irrational thought, when the depression convinces you that it is as real and as rational as breathing.
I lean on my boyfriend
I also tend to lean on my boyfriend way too much. Or project my feelings on to him, and that way I can be angry with one thing/person. I realise this is totally unfair and not reasonable behaviour. I convince myself during the bad times that he can fix my problems by just taking care of me and being there. If he isn’t there when I think I “need” him, I get so angry and furious with him and believe that he is the problem, that he should understand exactly the way I feel, and that he doesn’t love me. Because in the moment, I believe he is the only thing that is going to make me feel OK.
I also convince myself that he knows all of this and is deliberately telling me he is busy or has other things to do, so I then believe he is deliberately trying to hurt me. Which is totally irrational. But when I am at my lowest, the negative thoughts spiral out of control and I don’t understand which parts are rational and irrational.
I am the only person who is in control of what I think, feel and do, nobody else. So I need to work hard on recognising when things are getting tough and finding ways to deal and cope with my emotions and feelings.
Millions of people feel depressed
This is a problem I think a lot of people have when they are depressed. The depression tends to make you believe that the world is against you. Nothing you do in this world will ever amount to anything. You are worthless and your life is pointless. I get this feeling sometimes even driving to the shops, or if I get stuck in traffic on the way to the beach or somewhere for a nice day out, particularly when I am really low. I will start to believe that the traffic is the world’s way of telling me that anything I try to do to make me feel happy, isn’t going to work. I’ll start to think that the world is telling me to give up. As if the whole universe is conspiring against me. I mean, who the fuck do I think I am!?
But the truth is, there are so many distractions in everyday life with social media, work, the news, advertising etc. It is so difficult when things aren’t going great to be able to focus on the good. I know the good stuff is there, I just need to focus on that instead of all the negativity. But it is force fed to us, from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep.
I know that millions of people feel depressed at this moment. There is clearly a problem with society for there to be such a huge epidemic of anxiety and depression.
I am sick of all the doom and gloom in the world
I wish that social media hadn’t taken a hold of peoples lives. That people didn’t care so much about material things. That people cared about one another more. I wish people viewed every other person on the planet as equal. That we all treated one another with the same respect as we believe we deserve. I wish people loved themselves as much as they want someone else to love them. I wish people didn’t settle for what they think they deserve in life. That everyone knew they were capable of things that are beyond their wildest dreams, and that people didn’t care so much about what everyone else thinks of them. That everyone in the world was born with the same opportunities.
I wish the media didn’t focus on all the terror and fear in the world. I wish they would show us 5 minutes of all the great things that had happened in the world at the end of the news each day.
Never give up
I am starting to drag myself back out of this deep depression now. I am still in two minds as to whether I believe I will feel like this forever. So I know the cloud is still hanging over my head, lingering, trying to beat me to my knees and convince me to give up. I hope I never give up trying to win this battle with my mental illness.
I just need to find what works for me. To cope when the dark cloud comes looming over, sucking up all the light and happiness with it. Right now the depression feels like a stampede of gigantic buffalo, stomping on any positive thoughts that I have. I am trying to beat them away with a stick. Hopefully a tornado of light and positivity is going to come bashing its way through all this pain and misery and take the stampeding buffalo with it.
Life is tough, but so am I.
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here