By Georige Atkinson
Apologies for not having been around recently to chat. You may not have even noticed that I disappeared for a while, it is easy to slip through the cracks sometimes. All too easy. I have slipped into a period of depression, or I am currently experiencing a depressive episode. I usually take a couple of weeks to slip back into my depression, however it has come back with a vengeance. In the last couple of days it has come back to bite me. I tend to follow the regular symptoms of losing any energy and wanting to stay in bed. Basically just losing the will to live.
I can’t pin point what the trigger was exactly. Although I know that I can’t continue living like this. I know I need to be admitted in hospital, yet I have exhausted all resources in London. So the only option is to go to a clinic in South Africa, I really can’t handle being unwell for much longer. I’ve just come from a therapy session where I was made to be put in a cab rather than face the treacherous journey of using the tube, which is perhaps an indicator of how unwell I have become.
Being suicidal may be considered by some as just a sheer act of selfishness. However for me I can only describe it as feeling as though you are an absolute burden on those closest to you. Again, for me, it seems as though I only hurt those around me by being alive. So by not existing, all of their problems would be erased. I know that this is my depression talking but it does seem insufferable just existing at the moment, every waking moment is difficult.
I know that my honesty here might be too candid for some. However I think it would be unrealistic of me to paint my recovery as all sunshine and roses. In reality I am having a pretty rubbish time. I don’t know what the next few weeks or months have in store for me but I hope that somewhere out there can help me, whether that means journeying to South Africa or not. I know that I can get better from this but right now it feels as though the upward struggle is too difficult. By sharing my darkest moments I hope it will throw into light the happier times.
Be kind to yourself and Thank you for reading
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here