By Starr Gazer
Currently, I am reading for the second time a book called “You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero. It’s all in the title right? And just so you know, I am not reading it for the second time because it was just SO AMAZING (even though it is), but for the sheer fact that I wasn’t in a great mindset to fully receive the message of the book when I tried to read it a few months ago. But now, I have a fire that I need this to further ignite in my soul because I think I get it more now.
What drew me to the book the most was the little excerpt that Amazon gives you and the style of the writing really grabbed me. It kind of sounded like your closest friend grabbing you by the collar and shouting at you the things that you need to hear regardless of how you may take it. It was honest and unapologetic and I have a deep respect for people like that, partially because I am nowhere near like that (yet), but I so desperately want to be, so it brings me here. I’ve found my way to a self-help book, which at 23 I never thought I would be picking up.
But I’m depressed and anxiety ridden and it runs my fucking life and I’m tired of it. It affects every aspect of my life. Infiltrating it like a group of rebels trying to overthrow the regime that is my life. I’m finally tired of not fighting back. For just sitting here and taking it. I’m tired of feeling like my only option is to end my life because I feel so helpless when I am down in the ditch I call my soul. I used to be bright and happy and optimistic and good shit happened to me all the time. But on the path that I am going, I will literally lose everyone and everything that I care most about, including possibly my life.
It wasn’t until I honestly watched the Netflix Original 13 Reasons Why. It really opened my eyes to the fact that my suicide would not only affect my closest family and friends but perhaps people I couldn’t imagine it being affected by. It would truly be a ripple effect of the worst kind. So even if I couldn’t bring myself to help myself for me, at least I could do it for the people I truly love more than myself. If I can’t find reasons to live for myself, I can definitely do it for the people I love.
I know that may not be the best thing to do, if you look at ways to get over depression online, it usually has to do with wanting to do it for yourself and finding validation within yourself, but let’s be real, that’s HARD AS FUCK when you have no self-compassion or love. You, yourself, could possibly be the hardest person to live for and THAT’S OKAY. FUCK ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU DIFFERENT. It’s all about the baby steps. And if the only reason you can muster is the fact that you don’t want to hurt the people or animals in your life that care the most about you, then so be it! Because most likely you will get to a point where you CAN find a reason and a purpose to do it for yourself, but until then, do what you need to do. I know I am.
My mom had made a comment that she would never be the same if she lost one of her children and that she could never be happy herself if anything happened to us and my mom is my best friend. My hero. I couldn’t kill myself knowing it would ruin her life like that. I want nothing more than my mom to be happy. I always have. She deserves it. And even if you may feel like there is no one in your life that cares, I CARE. And I may not know you, and I may not be confident in myself about A LOT of things, but one thing I am sure of is that I love people, ones I have never even met, more than I truly love myself.
So if you feel like no one cares, PLEASE shoot me a message in the Contact Me page and let’s have a chat. Let me help you find reasons to live. Help you find reasons you’re special and loved, because I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t have those things and I’m here to ALSO tell you, I am sure it’s a lie. There have been scientific studies done on the likeliness of YOU being born. Out of AAAALLLLLL the other genetic possibilities there COULD have been, you were created. The probability that YOU specifically came about is about ONE IN 400 TRILLION. Now when I heard this for the first time, it kind of blew my mind. Like I wasn’t a true mistake. Like there could have been the slightest changes like one different tiny sperm attaching to the same or a different egg and then I wouldn’t be me. Then I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have experienced the good or the bad that I have experienced. That I was created with the same opportunities that the people I’m envious or admire have. WE ARE SPECIAL.
And like my therapist has told me before, even if you had no control over your body or your senses, and all you literally did was exist, you are still simply ENOUGH. You don’t have to be any less or any more than you are RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, because the fact that you exist, is simply AMAZING in itself. Even I lose sight of this, and that’s okay. But, we have to try and remind everyone around us of this, because all of our existences are pretty spectacular. So spread the news!
Reproduced with permission, originally posted here